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#1
09/08/2004, 10:32 AM
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The stuff you get in inter office e-mail
I received this in the office e-mail today from one of my coworkers. I must say production was severely reduced for a period of time. I have changed the names of the folks mentioned in order to protect the innocent.
Subject: Tazer Gun Date: Sun, 29 Aug 2004 04:27:11 +0000 Dear Friends, My wife Edna is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y’all hold my drink and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Lucky's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Edna. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Edna what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Edna to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no frxxxin' way!" Frxxxin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! D*********N!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
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Of course I could be completely mistaken. Ed: "I hate to tell you this Dr., but there aren't any fish in that river. In fact, there isn't any river." Dr. Lao: "That's ok. Me no use bait." |
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#2
09/08/2004, 10:44 AM
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I hate it when that happens.
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#3
09/08/2004, 10:50 AM
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Don't cha.
joey I sent you a pm on the other site. Did you get it?
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Of course I could be completely mistaken. Ed: "I hate to tell you this Dr., but there aren't any fish in that river. In fact, there isn't any river." Dr. Lao: "That's ok. Me no use bait." |
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#4
09/08/2004, 11:14 AM
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Quote:
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#5
09/08/2004, 11:22 AM
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 I got this one from a friend a few weeks back but it was a little different version...-Dino-
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Support the National Bone Marrow Registry "And who could have ever guess that Dino is apparently the smartest man on the planet?" - jgoodrich71 |
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#6
09/08/2004, 11:37 AM
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I was wondering how far this might be floating.
Joey I resent it.
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Of course I could be completely mistaken. Ed: "I hate to tell you this Dr., but there aren't any fish in that river. In fact, there isn't any river." Dr. Lao: "That's ok. Me no use bait." |
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#8
09/08/2004, 02:56 PM
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Quote:
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#9
09/08/2004, 03:51 PM
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Re: The stuff you get in inter office e-mail
Quote:
"Man boobs" is as far as I think anyone should go.
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Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breath free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me. |
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#11
09/08/2004, 05:55 PM
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Re: Re: The stuff you get in inter office e-mail
Quote:
__________________
Of course I could be completely mistaken. Ed: "I hate to tell you this Dr., but there aren't any fish in that river. In fact, there isn't any river." Dr. Lao: "That's ok. Me no use bait." |
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#12
09/08/2004, 08:01 PM
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Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work period You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well before reaching 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management
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Fish Girl Signing off! |
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#14
09/09/2004, 10:30 AM
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Oh boy that ones going to get some attention there xx.
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You need only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. |
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#15
09/11/2004, 05:52 PM
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alot of my inter office emails are XXX real raunchy ones. I chose to send the tamest version I had
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Fish Girl Signing off! |
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#18
10/03/2004, 06:49 AM
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Filth. Absolulte filth. This is the Lounge not the XXX Club. Go wash your mind's out with soap.
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Always strive for the optimum environment, not the minimum environment. Some days you're the dog, other days you're the hydrant |
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#19
10/03/2004, 08:39 AM
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great, just great. now i have a bar of irish spring
stuck in my ear... thx brian.
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I do not intend to tiptoe thru life only to arrive safely at death. Rick |
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#21
10/04/2004, 08:05 AM
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Heh, yeah...but can you imagine the look on that cat's face when he did it? LMAO I can just picture what my cats would have done after I zapped myself
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Chris ------ "Daddy, tomorrow when I get older & bigger, I'm goin huntin with you and shoot a big buck. Then I'm gonna cut it's legs off and throw it on the grill!" My 4yo son |
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