Need some relationship advice...

[alzika]

Man.

The depression just kicked in.

I really loved this girl, I wanted to marry her and I thought the same of her.

Honestly what we had was better than most relationships. We would actually talk every hour to just check in on each other - thats how much I cared about her and she me, well at one time at least. We did EVERYTHING together. If she was sick and needed to go to the doctor, I always was there. When her parents kicked her out, I gave her a place to stay.

I really don't feel like putting any time into another relationship to get hurt like this.

[Agu]

This is quite the turn in about 4 hours , don't expect it to be easy.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect.

If it's meant to be it will happen , if not be thankful it's over now.

[dwd5813]

Originally posted by alzika
I really don't feel like putting any time into another relationship to get hurt like this.

and you won't for a while. that is okay. it wouldn't be fair to yourself or to the girl if you did. this is going to sting for a while, and that's okay. it's healthy. Get together with your friends and go out for a good time. Try to realize as much as you can that as much as it pains you now, you are making a good move here. in time, you will come to realize that you are better off without this girl. I had a ring picked out for one of my exes when she told me she was going to stay with a friend for a while. turns out that friend was a guy she had met and been talking to for a month. I flipped. this was a girl that i had moved to florida, abandoning my job, my family, and my friends to be with. that one hurt. a lot. looking back on it now, I'm glad it happened when it did. we were together for three years, and even after she told me about the other guy i still tried to get her back. i can tell you from experience that it doesn't work. I was crushed, but i made it through. you will too.

[batguano]

True dat, Agu, true dat.

dwd, ain't love grand?

[Sk8r]

Understood. It just makes you question everything you thought was true and it hurts really, really bad. Reality check: you offered her what any sensible person has to value and honor and treat with respect even if it turns out not to be mutual. She has behaved badly. You have not. In the way of things, Misled, I think it was, said it right: you don't really have to look for Ms. Right. Someday you'll see the right smile, hear the right laugh, and the whole world will just light up again---this time for a young woman with her head on straight.

[batguano]

Originally posted by Sk8r
Understood. It just makes you question everything you thought was true and it hurts really, really bad. Reality check: you offered her what any sensible person has to value and honor and treat with respect even if it turns out not to be mutual. She has behaved badly. You have not. In the way of things, Misled, I think it was, said it right: you don't really have to look for Ms. Right. Someday you'll see the right smile, hear the right laugh, and the whole world will just light up again---this time for a young woman with her head on straight.

Or you could just look for Ms. Right Now, but then, I'm a bad influence.

[Misled]

Originally posted by alzika
I really don't feel like putting any time into another relationship to get hurt like this.

You're young, trust me the pain will go away. It sounds like you wanted more than she did. If that changes, let her make that choice. Don't forget, the anger comes next. When she comes to pic up her things, be nice. It is not easy, but you'll feel better about yourself afterwards.

[dwd5813]

Originally posted by Misled
Don't forget, the anger comes next. When she comes to pic up her things, be nice. It is not easy, but you'll feel better about yourself afterwards.

that's good advice that is going to be really hard to take, but do try.

[trdofwrkin]

Originally posted by PoukieBear
Here's an honest reply, from a girls perspective, and I'm sure you're not going to like it.



If I were in her shoes, doing the same things that she is doing, lying, cheating, spending time with a "girl", having bad mood swings.... I'd be looking to get rid of you.

The more I can P. you off, the more upset I can get you, the more unstable you are, YOU may be the one to break it off instead of me. This way, I don't need to feel guilty about hurting you and breaking your heart.

There is obviously something that she's not telling you. In a relationship, especially for that long, there is nothing to hide from a significant other. The fact that she is hidding something from you means that whatever it is, isn't good.

I agree...get rid of her.....You are still young..plenty of fish in the ocean....play the field....You dont need the heartache of the headache.....

[mr9iron]

Originally posted by alzika
Man.

The depression just kicked in.

I really loved this girl, I wanted to marry her and I thought the same of her.

Honestly what we had was better than most relationships. We would actually talk every hour to just check in on each other - thats how much I cared about her and she me, well at one time at least. We did EVERYTHING together. If she was sick and needed to go to the doctor, I always was there. When her parents kicked her out, I gave her a place to stay.

I really don't feel like putting any time into another relationship to get hurt like this.

The saying "Time heals all wounds" is true. You may not see any light at the end of the tunnel, but, you have to stay strong for yourself. If you don't, you will more than likely down the road end up in the same situation with a lot more needless time invested. She has obviously made her choices and you should make yours and move on with your life. Cut your ties with her, don't call, don't write, text or anything else and if the relationship is meant to be then she will come back. If not, then you have had time to heal and move on with your life. This is going to be very difficult for you emotionally and physically but you can do it.

She had found a freedom that she has never experienced before and hopefully she will make good choices instead of ones that she will later regret. However, the choices she has made and are currently making are her own decisions. Don't let her string you along until she finds something better. You have to make her responsible for her actions and let her know that her previous choices are unacceptable to you and that they hurt you. If you don't have trust in a relationship then you have absolutely nothing. And if you continue with an untrustworthy relationship then you will be in for much drama and heartache.

Sometimes you just have to walk away so that you can preserve your sanity!!!!!!

[Agu]

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Originally posted by Misled
Don't forget, the anger comes next. When she comes to pic up her things, be nice. It is not easy, but you'll feel better about yourself afterwards.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"that's good advice that is going to be really hard to take, but do try."



I'm going to reinforce this. Be the best person you can be because she may be the angry one. Take the high road no matter how the situation developes.

[aLittletank]

Originally posted by batguano
10 loungers can't be wrong kid. I'll make it 11. Make plans to take a trip somewhere warm and tropical during the Winter break ... alone. Get yourself a good rum buzz on and find Miss. Right Now. Have some fun, sew some wild oats, then come back to school ready to learn and live life for yourself.

12... you are young, get out and have some fun!

[alzika]

I am crying right now.


She got drunk 2 weeks ago with her 2 roommates and a guy came over later and raped her.

This is why she has been avoiding me and made an appointment with a psychologist.

I think I'll be scarred for life after everything that's happened.

...

i'm just at a loss of words. how could someone do that to the person i care about and cause me to most likely lose her forever?

she says she doesn't know if she ever wants to be in a relationship ever again.

her car accident was intentional. she keeps talking about suicide with me on the phone.

[Leilani57]

so sorry. wish the best to both of you.

[Cubman777]

forget her man. Your first mistake was taking her back. Once cheating has entered a relationship, it can never be the same. I dont care what anyone says. Look at what you wrote. You are concerned with her whereabouts, who she is hanging out with. Even if she is no longer cheating, who wants to be shackled with the burden of doubt.

You are in college bro. Go to the bar or club with some buddies. I promise you that you'll find some other sweet girl. Let her lick your wounds.

I was in a 2 year relationship when I was in college that was clouded with some similar issues. It was tough to break it off, but once I did my life really took off. And hey, a few months later I met my wife.

Just remember that there are a billion girls out there and one of them is going to be exactly what you are looking for and vice versa.

[KMP]

Didn't read everyone's posts but did read your original post. Very simple. Ask yourself..."Is this the way I want to live the rest of my life?"

There are brighter days ahead.

[BigSkyBart]

Originally posted by Cubman777
.....Go to the bar or club with some buddies. I promise you that you'll find some other sweet girl. Let her lick your wounds. .....

great advice!

[joeychitwood]

Originally posted by alzika
I am crying right now.


She got drunk 2 weeks ago with her 2 roommates and a guy came over later and raped her.

This is why she has been avoiding me and made an appointment with a psychologist.

I think I'll be scarred for life after everything that's happened.

...

i'm just at a loss of words. how could someone do that to the person i care about and cause me to most likely lose her forever?

she says she doesn't know if she ever wants to be in a relationship ever again.

her car accident was intentional. she keeps talking about suicide with me on the phone.

I've seen this movie before. She may have borderline personality disorder, in which case the drama just escalates. This girl needs help, but not the kind you can give her. Be firm and kind in your resolve to remove yourself from the relationship, or you'll find yourself in the role of rescuer, cuckold and chump in no time.

[BrianD]

Listen to Joey.

[Sk8r]

I have also seen this scenario play out before, and yep, it may be, at the heart of it, a true story. But the alcohol was way before the need for a psych. She opted out of control of her life, and is having a hard time accepting that the 'freedom' she wanted doesn't exist without unacceptable problems, and she may be having a hard time coping without the alcohol, which leads to more 'freedom' decisions, none of which are heading in a good direction. I'd say at this point she comes home, gives up the friends and the lifestyle, gets tested, gets treated, accepts what happened in a common-sense way and makes up her mind to get her hands back on the steering wheel of her life. Otherwise it's not going to be good, and I'm sorry.

You notice I didn't use the word 'you' anywhere in the above picture: you can't do it for her. You can't do anything except maybe find out the name of the psych she's going to and call the guy and tell him you're getting suicidal phone calls...which have to be taken seriously. She needs treatment, and she needs to get out of that environment asap, since she's not coping with it...but you can't do that part, either. She has to. If lying is not part of her habitual pattern, the story may be true---but it may not be all of it. Get her to the psych. That is the only constructive thing you can do at this point---and if she gets it all together, IF she gets it together, then the rape is something that happened, not who she is. If she can't get her head straight, then there's no way you can fix things.

A psych is the best news in this whole sad story, and I hope she's got a good one, and I hope she's going to get away from the alcohol and the roomies---who apparently were no use at all, and possibly part of the problem.

[PoukieBear]

She was raped?

Hmph.

If it's a true story, then why didn't she tell you in the first place? My boyfriend would be the first person I'd tell, if something that horrible happened to me. He would be the one and only person that would be able to comfort me, and to walk me through the steps of dealing with it.

If it's not true, then it's going to be one lie after another... And the lies will only get bigger and better, just to top the last one.


I'd still break up with her, but let her know that you're still there for her if she needs help. Knowing that you're not completely walking out on her will keep her mind a little more stable.

After my boyfriend and I broke up, he was always still there for me. I travelled 6 hours to be with my bestfriend to help me through the hard times....and who drove me to the train station? My ex. Who picked me up? My ex. Who looked after everything while I was gone? My ex. Even though we weren't Together anymore, he was still dependable.

[Anemone]

Originally posted by joeychitwood
I've seen this movie before. She may have borderline personality disorder, in which case the drama just escalates. This girl needs help, but not the kind you can give her. Be firm and kind in your resolve to remove yourself from the relationship, or you'll find yourself in the role of rescuer, cuckold and chump in no time.

Yep. The rape may be true, or maybe it was only rape when she sobered up, or maybe it was only rape so she can make whatever happens your fault, not hers.

Same with the suicidal thoughts. Maybe they're true, maybe not. This is something you don't want to question the validity of with her, however, because if she has a personality disorder, sahe might make a try at suicide just to prove you wrong and punish you.

As Sk8r said, this is not something you can in any way fix. By trying, you are only enabling the behvaior and even encouraging it (ie, not fixng it at all!).

Get out of the relationship. Try to get her to a competent mental health professional, but don't bargain (ie, no "I'll stay with you if you get help"). Get out first and encourage her to get help, but it has to be her choice, and you can't make it for her. Don't try to.

Kevin

[dwd5813]

I'm a bit surprised to find myself doubting that she was raped. That's not to say that I'm convinced she is lying, but something about that strikes me as off. Did she go to the hospital? The police?

Either way, this girl is in need of professional help. The only thing that anybody can do at this point is to try and help her see that, and support her decision to seek it as soon as possible. Like Sk8r said, the presence of a psych is the best news in the whole story.

I know you still love her, and you may want to be the one to help her but the best way to do that now is to recognize that you are not equipped to handle the situation. That says nothing to detract from your intention or intelligence. Simply put, she needs someone who is trained to deal with this type of thing.

You are faced with a tough situation. A romantic relationship is not something she needs right now, and you don't need to get drowned trying to save her. Let her know that you still love her, and that's why you can't let it go on like this. Encourage her to keep her appointment with the psych, and to continue down that road until she can see this as something that just happened (sk8r again ) and not as who she is. But get out of the romantic part. If you can't seperate that, and I know I would have a hard time, get out completely. Wish her well, encourage her to get help, and walk away.

You're not responsible for fixing this girl. You need to take care of you.

[speedo2wet]

Hey I know where your coming from, i've been there. There iss greener pastures on the other side. Your being played and think about it. While your worried and mad and at home she is out on a date having fun maybe with another guy. She is putting a front up for you. I thought I had the girl for me and she cheated and never called, lied to me, this went on for a long time. I'd say our relationship was 6 yrs. oouch then to find out she just wanted to be taken care of. I'm talking pay my bills and I don't want to work. yeah right. Broke it off and it was hard the first 6 month but two years later I have meet and fallen for everything I could want in a girl. you name it it's there for me. It was hard but I am glad those turns of events took place because the right one finally came along. You have to be the one to break it off not her, don't let her do it that will just give her the upper hand. Tell her your done (if you go that route) be strong, then go your way. Do it with a smile on your face. It will tear her up inside because right now she knows she can do what ever she wants and your dumb *** will take her back everytime (no offense), plus you don't want to be that guy. She stated she wants to know if your the one (thats code for I'm done with you and want to move on) I know I used that same line on her.

Best of Luck

[BrianD]

I have to wonder if there are chemicals involved in this change in personality.