Favorite Jack Handy Quotes

[Timbor]

Hey guys... just wondering if anyone had any good "Deep thoughts" by Jack Handy to share... heres a couple of my personal favorites:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

My friend introduced me to these... I guess you need to have the right sense of humour

[Meisen]

You know what can really tear a family apart?

[Meisen]

timberwolves

[Meisen]

I think I have the book somwhere. Your first one is priceless. I think I will do that with my own kids (someday when they let me have some).

[Timbor]

lol... yeah, ill do that when I get some kids too... speaking of kids... heres some good Jack Handy quotes about kids:

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

...theres a wealth of these things on the internet

[pnosko]

Two cows talking to each other. Now THAT is hilarious.

[CrystalAZ]

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke --just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows. But without that noise.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round an round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

And of course... my sig line.

I love Deep Thoughts.

Crystal

[Meisen]

Yeah funny thing about those cows....shared sick sense of humor. Recognize them as Gary Larson (Far Side) cows? I was wondering when someone else was going to pick up on that. Timbor, I just noticed your sig line too. Rofl, never heard that one before.

[ecugman]

I hope life isn't a big joke,
because I don't get it.


I believe in making the
world safe for our children,
but not our children's children,
because I don't think children
should be having sex.

[NTidd]

Something along these lines:

I think scientists should breed a giant shrimp that we could ride around in the woods, then towards dinner time we could make a fire and cook the shrimp for dinner, how about it science?

[NTidd]

For those of you that would like a laugh try this link for a whole bunch of deep thoughts.

[NTidd]

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

[dwarfatize]

Here are some of my favorites

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

[Timbor]

Yeah, I was browsing through the icons, and when I saw the far side cow... i just couldnt resist! I havent read too many of the far side books, but what I have read is pure gold. Meisen, I think good people like us are few and far between these days...

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

[alphaferret]

sometimes i wish iwere dead - wait not me you-

if trees could scream would we still cut them down? - maybe ir they screamed all the time for no reason

[dwarfatize]

not a quote but what is this, Bring old posts back to life day? This is the fourth one so far.

[Victoly]

Her eare three of my favorites:

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its
eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having
a good idea but it's just eggs hatching

[alphaferret]

this tread made me laugh 4 2 days so far thanks

[Timbor]

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" - you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the heck are you supposed to carry it?!

[angiras]

my personal favorite:

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.