got a family problem adult help please

KING OF THE REEF · #1 02/07/2006, 07:21 PM

look heres my problem. im 17 still iving at home with my parents. Today on my way home frm class my dad got all mad cause i havent started on my research paper yet (not due for over 3 months and i was going to start tonight). he began to curse at ne abd i yelled SHUT UP YOU IDIOT! SInce that moment he has been very angry with me and wont even look at me. ecery time i walk into the rom to talk to my mom he leaves and slams his door. After the yelling thing in the car, we got into it again while still in the car. I told him some stuff that i wish i hadnt. like YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME and YOU NEVER WILL UNTIL YOU BEGIN TO SE THE WORLD FROM MY SHOES. i hate it that we are at odds. I lvoe him so much but i try to talk to him and he brushes me aside. keep in mind i have done this before to him but on a different occasion. He just left in the car cause he's so mad but when he gets home i really want to settle this and make peace. dont get to see him much becaus eim almost always locked in my room studing for tests and doing homework (im not really locked in just i use that as a figure of speach for how deeply entrenced i am in my studies). any helpful ideas on how to end this fued will be accepted.

Fat Man · #2 02/07/2006, 07:26 PM

Just a little fatherly advice, it sounds like both of you need to learn to communicate without yelling. You might try writing him a letter since he won't talk. In the letter calmly explain how you feel and offer an apology for any harsh words said in the heat of the moment.

SmokeFish · #3 02/07/2006, 07:32 PM

What Fat Man said

KING OF THE REEF · #4 02/07/2006, 07:34 PM

he started at me and i couldnt stop myself. oddly enough i feel this has been resolved already with his actions. he clearly doesnt want to deal with it and i wont go looking to chat with him about ti until he comes to me. i am off to study maybe my nerves will be calmed

Scuba_Dave · #5 02/07/2006, 07:37 PM

My dad was involved with us as kids - boy scouts, baseball, camping. Once we got older & more independant he lost "control" of us. College is tough, paying for college is tough
Both can cause stress....

Not sure of the exact issues, but I've usually found it hard to express myself. A letter may be the perfect solution

Outside of my Mom taking my dad to court for lack of paying Alimony, I don't think I've seen my father for close to 20 years

HybridFish · #6 02/07/2006, 07:53 PM

My wife and I went to a marriage class before getting married and as corny as some of that stuff was, some of the techniques actually work. Writing a simple letter works because we all tend to say things we regret when verbally communicating since we don't stop to think. A simple letter allows one to think before saying. Another way to talk to someone is to, don't laugh, hold hands before speaking to one another. Have you ever tried to yell at someone while holding the hands of someone you love... it's pretty tough. Another word of advice is to always say something nice or complement before saying the problem. Example would be "I see how your idea would work... but what if we tried to do it this way" rather than saying "Let's just do it like this". Another example would be "I love you so much dad but it hurts when misunderstandings causes us to yell at one another" rather than saying "You don't know anything about me!" In short write a letter or hold hands while arguing would be my advice.

Pandora · #7 02/07/2006, 08:13 PM

Men of your dad's generation (some would argue men in general

) will tend not to be the "touchy feely" type who always are able to talk about their feelings... they leave a lot of stuff unsaid. A lot of stuff was said in anger that neither of you meant (and he probably sees being told SHUT UP as being very disrespectful as a parent, even if you didn't mean it)... I do think the letter writing is a good idea. Also, if you are both really angry, it's a good idea to stop and count to 10 and then say something; you can often reword what you want to say to be more constructive and less hurtful that way.

A lot of older people will tell you this, and there's truth to it, but you may not get to the point where you begin to see eye-to-eye until you are much older, if at all. My mom and I were always at odds with one another growing up, I have told her I hated her, to shut up, that I wish I'd never been born, that I wished she wasn't my mom... the whole nine yards. There were times I ran away and did all sorts of things to hurt her, and we could not spend more than a day or two together without fighting; now I look forward to spending a whole week, and we have the best relationship, we talk almost every day. It's not an overnight thing to develop that kind of mutual understanding. Sometimes you have to get much older before you come to that realization that you can't change who the other person is, but that the love is an eternal bond. That one fight is not the end of the world, though it may seem like it now. Sleep on it a night, and try reaching out again, outside of the heat of the moment.

KING OF THE REEF · #8 02/07/2006, 08:51 PM

the reason i said SHUT UP was caus ehe began to curse me out and i am a firm believer that cursing is for (lets just say insert your own word). i have appologized to him however i dobut he feels the same way as i. too bad. he never let me play sports and now im just getting into the world of football (im a allstar for my league now and this is my first season playing go figure)

iCam · #9 02/07/2006, 09:05 PM

I am going to have to agree that writing a letter is a good idea. When I was living with them, there were some points I was trying to get across to my parents, but they wouldn't listen without cutting me off. I sat down and wrote them a lengthy letter, so that they could know what I wanted to get across to them, without interruption.

For the most part it worked, and they finally took what I was trying to say into consideration.

Agu · #10 02/07/2006, 09:46 PM

Realize communicating is a learned skill, sounds like you learned from your dad. That's not a value judgement, just an observation. You can't change your dad, you can only change yourself. If you learn to control yourself you will earn self respect and possibly your fathers respect. As pointed out there are techniques for having discussions and dealing with situations. I suggest you talk to a school counselor and learn how to communicate in an effective yet nonconfrontational way.

Regarding the current situation, a letter may work, but unless there are changes the issue will arise again.

ime as a father of two adults,

Minuteman · #11 02/07/2006, 10:27 PM

I think you owe him an apology for disrespecting him like that, but you're also obligated to tell him that his cussing at you is devaluing you as a human being. You're almost an adult... let him know you'd rather love him than hate him.

fuzz1974 · #12 02/07/2006, 10:46 PM

I am the dad to four small children, the oldest is now 11 and it is hard to watch them make their own steps after seeing where they came from. Being a baby that deoended on you for everything in their life. Trust me your dad loves you, he might not always tell you that but he does, and it probably hurts him just as much for him to hear his son tell him that he doesn't know him, as it hurts you to have your dad curse at you. My money would say, I bet if you went to your dad and told him that you don't like it when he curses at you, he would respect you for standing up for yourself like a man, instead of yelling at him. Also after asking him to stop tell him you love him and give your dad a hug, most men like to act tough cause that's what men do, bet I'll tell you this there is no better feeling to have your child give YOU a hug than to have to ask for one. Hang in there. Just remember you are in his house, respect him as a man and he will respect you as a man.

Fuzz

justfun · #13 02/07/2006, 11:02 PM

I agree with most all of the above but I would like to add one thing. Your dad might not always be right or handle every situation perfect but it sounds like he is making his decisions out of the love he has for you. Your dad will never know exactly how you feel or where you are coming from but you will never know how much crap he goes thru at work or how many times he could just say " I'm too tired to care " just to make sure you have all he can provide. You sound like a pretty good young man. Just remember to give your dad AND mom the respect they deserve!

Rod

Dad to 13 yesr old daughter.

Ritten · #14 02/07/2006, 11:51 PM

Ima, I think your dad was wrong to swear at you. That must have been hurtful for you. Do you know if that is how his dad treated him? Maybe he doesn't know any better and you do? Maybe you could say something to the effect of "Dad, I'm sorry I told you to shut up, but your words hurt me too." If he was abused with words, like he is doing to you, he probably won't expect you to be the "bigger person." Maybe you could start all over from there?

mickey85 · #15 02/08/2006, 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Imareefer
he began to curse at ne abd i yelled SHUT UP YOU IDIOT! SInce that moment he has been very angry with me and wont even look at me... I told him some stuff that i wish i hadnt. like YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME and YOU NEVER WILL UNTIL YOU BEGIN TO SE THE WORLD FROM MY SHOES. i hate it that we are at odds... keep in mind i have done this before to him but on a different occasion.

Some advice from someone who was just in your shoes (4 years ago). He knows what it's like to be 17. He knows everything about you (unless you're dishonest with your parents, and then it IS your fault that he blows up on you). Perhaps the fact that you seem to perpetually freak out on your parents leads him to still care about you, but makes him think that he doesn't have much of a chance of getting through to you, so he just gives up and yells.

Conversely, if your dad is being childish, YOU need to man up and talk to him. If he starts yelling, get a grip on yourself and don't yell back. All of this is really rather simple - how do you not pi$$ someone off? If you care about your dad, and you care about keeping your household happy, just step around him for a while, apologize and suck it up.

Quote:

i wont go looking to chat with him about ti until he comes to me.

See above. Man up, chill out, and keep your voice down. Go to him, sit down with him and just tell him how it is. Say "look, I know you care for me, and I know you want the best for me, but this BS has to stop, because I can take care of myself."

fuzz1974 · #16 02/08/2006, 08:15 AM

mickey85. You had a nice post goin untill you said "this BS has to stop, because I can take care of myself" At 17 his parents are still responsible for him unless of course he has been immacipated as an adult. At 17 what kind of job does a teenager get with school and sports or clubs, to be able to make a house or rent payment car pymt, insurans, utilities, food, clothes, shoes all the things that his parents provide FOR him. I don't doubt he has a job but in no means can he take care of himself financially, maybe physically and mentally but not financially. Unless of course he is a money guru and has saved every dollar he ever collected from the tooth fairy and can stretch an after school paycheck farther than anyone ever. I do believe if he approaches his dad with his chest puffed up saying "I can take care of myself" is not going to get the desired affect form his dad.

Fuzz

Minuteman · #17 02/08/2006, 08:24 AM

Maybe he just needs to massage the words a little better to something like, "I am old enough to be responsible for my actions and my future"... or something. It IS his future, no matter what his Dad wants to tell him, HE still has to make the daily decisions which will chart the rest of his life. If his Dad thinks riding him about getting schoolwork done is going to cause a 17 year old to get his schoolwork done, he's probably mistaken. Yelling does not motivate 17 year olds, reason does (sometimes).

I'm thinking that we've just heard one side of the story here though. Wonder what his Dad would say...

mickey85 · #18 02/08/2006, 08:25 AM

What I was going for there is this":

my parents were very overbearing. by 17, I was in a military boarding school (because I wanted to), with one of the best ranks that I could get as a junior. I had never broken any rules, had never gotten into any trouble either at the school or otherwise, so there was no reason not to trust me; however, they still had their spies out everywhere at the school. One of the counselors came to my mom one day and said that he was about to write me up because I had my hands in my pockets (a faux pas). Wherever I went, I was in a group with everyone's hands in their pockets, but he singled me out. Another example, I was walking into town with my girlfriend. The CHIEF OF POLICE drives by, goes straight to my dad's store and tells him that I was walking to town with a girl.

Now, being a small town, and being that my parents are well known, I can see how this stuff happens, but they would egg it on. That summer, I worked at a summer camp and was directly responsible for 12 11-14 year old boys. After that, I thought I had proven myself well, since I was starting the year as the regimental commander (the highest rank availible) and had distinguished myself at the summer camp. I sat down with them and had a nice chat. I said "look, I know you love me and all that, but I'm feeling really cramped because I can't breathe without someone reporting back to you. I need my space, and I'd appreciate it." They complied, and we got along swimmingly.

I didn't mean to tell him to just go blow off his dad or mom, but to have a chat with them and tell his dad that by now, he knows what he's doing and if he wants to put off a paper, it's his profanity removed on the fire, not his dad's.

The profanity censor is there for a reason. BrianD

dc · #19 02/08/2006, 08:53 AM

Not all parents are perfect. Hopefully you two will work it out. BTW had my brother ever said such a thing to my Dad, he'd be picking himself up off the floor.

oz · #20 02/08/2006, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dc
Not all parents are perfect. Hopefully you two will work it out. BTW had my brother ever said such a thing to my Dad, he'd be picking himself up off the floor.

Wow, this brings back memories for me.... me picking myself up off the floor.

Dolfan0925 · #21 02/08/2006, 09:29 AM

Don't worry about it. If you hadn't said how old you were I would have read that and guessed 16-18yr old. You guys will be fine, you two sound like the average father/son relationship at that age.

If it were me I would have never wrote my dad a letter. I'm not touchy-feely enough to do that. My dad and I have an agreement that he loves me and I love him, but we don't say it. We don't really talk about our feelings and such... That would just be weird.

I'm 26 btw.

KING OF THE REEF · #22 02/08/2006, 10:27 AM

and im not putting m paper off. i have been sick for over a week and a hlaf and just now got a chance to start the paper. we hve reconciled where came to me and appologized and look at it this way he got me a new perc clown (i didnt want anything jsut his appology for cursin)

KING OF THE REEF · #23 02/08/2006, 10:41 AM

ugh it got cut off. i too appologized to him and told him that by cursin at me only made me madder. I am around people who curse like it is a language every day. I get in the car and first thing he says is S(word u get it

) why havent you begun on your paper. I already explained that part to ou guys on why i didnt. so as for now he and I are on good terms and we are going to go to another fish store tonight caus ehe feels obligated to buy me another clown becaus ehe couldnt find a mate for the one he got me last night (i dont want this but he is insiciting on getting it for me (i just woke up a few minutes ago so sorry for the poor spelling).

dc · #24 02/08/2006, 10:52 AM

That's great. Sounds very adult of you.

KING OF THE REEF · #25 02/08/2006, 10:59 AM

thnx.