How much does age (and money) matter?

[joliver]

Looking for experienced opinions here. I'm a 30 year old woman, never married, no kids. I want neither in my life but I want a life partner. I've become involved with a man, 44, never married, no kids. He's kind, intelligent, funny and charming and my attraction towards him is growing by the day. He is openly crazy about me and I've become quite smitten with him.

I feel I've led a rather sheltered life, largely due to financial limitations. This guy has travelled the world and has the money to keep doing it, while I'm a poor student, struggling to pay my mortgage every month. He's got a lot of qualities that I admire but at the same time I wonder if I would ever be able to feel like I am an equal partner in a relationship with him.

I mentioned to him a musician I like and next thing you know he's bought tickets to a show 3 states away and booked a $400 room in a 5star hotel. I don't think he's trying to "buy me" - we've been seeing each other frequently for about a month and while we're affectionate, we've not done more than kiss so far. I like him a lot and I like the attention but I'm not used to being pampered and I don't want to feel like, or appear to be, a gold digger. I pride myself in my independence.

So the issues I have are age, life experience and money, and my lack of all of them compared to him. Would taking this relationship to the next level be a disaster waiting to happen or should I suck up my pride and go with it? If he were 10 years younger and had half the income he has, I don't think I'd be asking these questions. Please advise.

Jen

[Andru881]

I tried to take my girlfiend to the beach once because she said she hasn't been in a long time. And told her that I would take her because I thought it would be fun. She told me that she didn't have enough money to pay for anything execpt enough to buy food. All I did was have to explain that I wanted to take her and I never asked for anything in return. It was my idea to go, and I wanted her with me. Sometime people just do stuff like that because you'll do anything to bring a smile to their face. It gives you a good feeling to be able to do stuff for people...the only thing I wanted out of it was to make her happy.

I wouldn't worry about being thought of as a gold digger, just as long as you care for each other...I'm only 21 and I was rased to make people I care about happy or die trying...

[Python73]

Some people enjoy buying things for people who can't. I've never been rich, but make a decent living. I have on many occasions taken people who couldn't afford it out for a nice dinner or something, just for the fun of being able to share that experience. We were raised that way.

My wife never had any money when we were dating, but it was like pulling teeth to get her to take a $20 off of my Dad for some pocket change. He wasn't offering to belittle her, just wanted someone we cared about to have a few bucks to spend, and he had it to spare. Pride is a tough thing.

If you truly appreciate the gesture of your Man, accept it in good faith and think nothing of it. While he may be providing the money, you will be providing your company for the trip. And THAT is priceless.

Good luck.

S !

[SeaStar]

Have you ever thought that just as you may be insecure about his finacial status or life experiences compared to yours he may be just as insecure about other issues. Maybe he is concerned about being 14 years older than you and not deserving of that.

As far as him spending money on you that is what people do when you care for someone. Not necessarally money, but each person contributes different things to a relationship. Again when you care for someone you want to make that person happy by what ever means you have. Sometimes it's giving and other times it's comprimising. If you have concerns about not being an equal partner you should address that issue soon. Neither partner should feel like he/she is second fiddle.

[ausaquaria]

I say relax and enjoy your self it sounds like you have someone who cares and you care about.

[AnnArborBuck]

Some people just enjoying doing nice things for others. When I was dating my wife she didn't have allot of money (I was an engineering co-op so I was ok). There was this fancy dinner/dance that she really wanted to go to but couldn't afford it. So all on my own (with the help of my sister of course) I went out and bought her the dress, shoes, etc to wear to the dance, along with buying the dinner tickets, etc. It cost me a fortune at the time, but the look on her face when I gave her the outfit to wear and told her that we were going to the dance was well worth every penny I spent and then some. To some people money isn't everything. Money can't buy happiness, but it can sure let you do some fun things, such as reef tanks and concerts.

Enjoy the time that you got to spend together and don't worry about the money. It was his idea, he obviously wanted to do something nice for you.

[dc]

While there are no guarantees in life, if you enjoy his company and he yours, just go with it. You could always talk to him about it. Maybe he will be a little less extravagant.

[lilbuddy]

just go with it

well said DC

I agree, I wouldnt question it just go with the flow. I also agree with the above posts. Some times people just do stuff to see a smile on the other persons face. Have fun at that concert!

[pbrpinky]

I say dump him and send him my way! j/k!!! Sounds like you've found a good catch. Don't feel like you're inferior to him. I'm sure you give a lot to the relationship like your time, your company, conversation, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is...Money isn't everything, it's what's in the heart that counts.

[oz]

Jen,

You didn't say how long you've known him. Did you sy a month ? My advice is to take your time.

Not sure I understand why you think a disaster could happen at the next level, whatever "next level" means ? Also I don't understand why you feel that you'll have to "suck up your pride".
Men do that sort of things, spend money on women, buy gifts, etc.
Trying to impress the girl.

Another question, does he ask for your opinion or does he do things and assume you'll like it and go along with it ? Be the one making decisions sometimes, see what happens. good test, to see how he reacts.

I think it might be good also for you to "refuse" sometimes.
He buys you an expensive gift, say you can't take it.
Also, you don't always have to go to the expensive restaurants and let him pay all the time. Go to a less expensive restaurant and you pay sometimes. And you can just be upfront about your feelings. If you're uncomfortable with him paying all the time, say so. Suggest going to a more affordable places and that you both share the costs (as best you can). And he'll appreciate hearing that.

Also, 30 and 44 ain't that much of a difference in age, IMO. You're both adults. Both aren't that young neither.

A woman at 30, single, I can understand. But a man at 44, never married before, hmmm. I assume he had some long term relationships before ? I hope you questions him these things as you get to know him better, if you haven't done so alredy.

Another thing, I said earlier, take your time, yes you should but you also have to remember that you're not getting any younger neither.

Also, if you ever want to have kids some day, don't wait too long.
You know what I mean. You said you didn't want kids, you may feel differently as you get older.

HTH.

[rvitko]

Independence is a crock. I wish it was the good old days when a man and woman came together to run a household and have children, I don't know anyone with any sense that can enjoy "independence" and a "career". I don't know where this independence stuff comes from we all need each other, their are no exceptions. Try being independent when you are sick or disabled temporarily, I'm single and I thank god I have roomates or else I would be dead as no one would have helped me when i got pinned in the attic, I figure in the heat i wouldn't have made it past a few hours, no one would have helped me when I had severe food poisoning and nearly died. The money thing too, I frankly don't care how much money people have, their either good or rotten. Money doesn't matter, I have had a few women tell me they felt uncomfortable because they had no money, no job. I was honestly just happy to meet someone that wasn't a fruitcake. Err, after that I guess I was wrong. If I had nothing but somebody who loved me I would be much happier, in fact I consider it a duty as a man to put your wife and children before all else inclding money and career. In my position as boss and owner of a company I have frequently had to sacrifice my wants so that an employee with more basic needs like paying his rent could borrow the money i wanted for a toy, I have had to sell things I really enjoyed to keep the shop running when times were slow. It is just the way life is. Money doesn't really make life, doing the right thing and knowing you lived a proper life is what it is all about.

[cwschoon]

You are an equal partner. You are both adults and all that matters is your compatability and how you feel about one another. I am a 42 yr old "normal" male who just got married two months ago and we had the same basic age difference. We do not have the economic disparity that you do but the other differences you have are similar to ours.
If I was a multi-millionare, it would not matter to me if my wife had been dirt poor. All of my money could not have bought my fundamental happiness. Do not insult/underestimate your guy; some things really are more important than others. Talk to him and let him know your concerns. If he wants to be with you and you want to be with him, it is reasonable and intelligent for you to enjoy his money with him. I am sure he feels the same.

[joliver]

Well, thanks for the encouragement, seems like a nearly unanamous opinion that I should just chill and go with the flow. Sometimes I'm a little bit stubborn with the whole "independent woman" thing. My strategy now is to relax, enjoy and not overanalyze things. Thanks everyone!

[Staceon]

Its not how much you make, its how much you save. I know people that have never made more than 30K a year and have a net worth 10 times that of someone making 100K. Cash poor is not rich, know the difference.

[oz]

if you don't make a lot, you can't save a lot neither.
But then again, you can also be in a lot more debt when you make a lot.

thanks a lot.

[thrlride]

Hey Andru881, I am close to you! Concord, NC. Sorry to hijack, Jen he sounds like a good person, be comforable and ride things out.

[joeychitwood]

This is a no-brainer.

He likes you, you like him. You are in the infancy stages of a relationship. Explore the friendship. See if it grows.

You can't create "chemistry" between two people. It's either there or it's not. Don't over-analyze this thing. If it doesn't work out, what have you lost.

[JMsAquarium]

Well Jen, looks that you got all the votes in favor. So's mine. Give it a try. It's the only way to find out how this relationship will evolve. I've been single for many long years. I wanted to keep my freedom, etc... I was independent since I was 20 and enjoyed it in many ways, some respectable, some others not. Til one day I met my wife. I never looked back so far, we are together for the last 9 years ( I'am 40 now, she's 44). I met her when I hired her services, she's a maid. It was a little akward for her at the beggining, as she was wondering, as you do, what was on my mind. Hehehe, it's simply called LOVE. Cupid never warns before shooting you an arrow. Yes, of course we have our ups and downs but that's part of the game . So far no regrets, and we have now an adorable 7 years old little girl.

Take care

JM

[Newreeflady]

Personally, I do not go for guys for the $$. I probably should, but for some reason, I guess i'm attracted to poor people, lol! j/k. Honestly, though, I have never dated a guy with money. I've met them, yes, but obviously it didn't click. The last guy I was with moved furniture for a living, and the guy i'm with now has two average/normal jobs, I am guessing that I probably make almost the same salary as he does, my one job against his two... , but i'd never ask him how much he makes. I just figure that I take care of me. Sharing my time with someone who I care about, and who cares for me, that is what is important... not cash. I figure one day, i'll probably be making enough $$ to support both of us, (us meaning whomever I end up falling madly for and marrying), maybe send my sig other to school if he would want to go.

I'm sure that the guy isn't trying to buy you, if you guys have the chemistry you feel you have, then he probably feels that, too, and knows that you're not a user. He probably just enjoys making you happy. That's just wonderful. He may be a keeper!

Angela.

[thrlride]

Hey Angela
Are the as/400 and hp printers? If so do you use MVS and JES?

[Python73]

Those are mainframes. Angela is a console operator, I'd guess.

S !

[thrlride]

The printers could be hooked up to the mainframes for jes sysout though.

[Newreeflady]

Honestly, I send things to print, but never see them... I don't even know where they print, let alone on what. lol!

Yes, console operator.

Angela.