Blonde Jokes

[dwhit0102]

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
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She thought a quarterback was a refund.
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She tripped over the cordless phone.
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She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
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She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
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She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
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At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
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If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
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When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
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She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
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When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".
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She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
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A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on and said to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off".

So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away.

"Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled. "What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on.

Out of the headphones she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
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[finding nemo]

Two blonde guys were working on a house. The one who was nailing down
siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over his shoulder, or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are
you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a
nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away because
it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
The second blonde got very upset and yelled, "You jerk! The nails pointed
toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"

[dwhit0102]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going' on up here? We're having' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"



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A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"

Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."



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A Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said.

But Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.

The Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.

Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."


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Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."

"No. Those are deer tracks."

They keep arguing, and arguing, and a half hour later they were both killed by a train.



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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

A blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "If I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt."

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A blond walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice.

"No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car

[dwhit0102]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[dwhit0102]

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[dwhit0102]

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[dwhit0102]

THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

[dwhit0102]

WORKPLACE COMEBACK LINES


Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and simplistic world-view.


I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.


Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.


I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.


I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.


What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?


I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.


I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.


I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.


I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.


It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.


Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.


How about never? Is never good for you?


I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.


You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.


You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.


I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.


I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...


I don't work here. I'm a consultant.


Who me? I just wander from room to room.

[dwhit0102]

JOBS WORSE THAN YOURS

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed an anal suppository.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.

Now stop complaining and get back to work!


< - Previous Joke | Next Work/Leisure

[dwhit0102]

KISS AND SLAP

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

[dwhit0102]

OMPUTER LAB


Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream 'Oh my God! They've found me!' and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to your neighbor that you can't get the stupid thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the Smurfs theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say 'Just in case' mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, 'Oops, I forgot.'
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray 'Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,' and scream 'YES!' when it finishes.
DISK FIGHT!
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 inch disk drive, and when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, and look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
Take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, then shout, 'you will all perish in flames!' and continue working.
Bring some dry ice and make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.) Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying 'Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?' unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: 'Does *your* delete key work?' Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: 'well, what do ya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!' Print out your document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Stare at the your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say 'You did that?' loudly. Keep laughing; grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell 'COVEEEEERRRRRR!' Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. 'Oh, good, it worked this time,' and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim 'You're such a marvel!' and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout 'Armageddon is here!' then calmly sit down and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, 'Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week.'
Two words: Tesla Coil. (Tesla Coil: an air-core transformer used to produce high voltages of high-frequency alternating currents.)

[finding nemo]

DW. It appears we are the only ones that like blond jokes

[dwhit0102]

It seems like it

[dwhit0102]

Anybody else have any?

[Scuba_Dave]

I went out with a girl who was blonde, she made it a point to know almost every blonde joke. I used to go into the local bar & tell her father the jokes later before we went home

So you've heard the one, "What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?" The answer is gifted. So I asked her father that question, his immediate answer "Lynne" - his daughter!!!

Most of the jokes she told can't be repeated here