Help with My Head and my Tank

[Antman]

Hello all
So Happy new years
me and my wife are in a bad place and we need a break to figure out if our problems can be repaired
So untill we figure this out I will look to move out
( its either I go or she goes with my 4 year old daughter and I can do that to my daughter)
So I bow out
So I have no idea how this will work yet but what do I do about my tank ?
I will not be there every day to deal with/feeed and anything else it needs
I sure hope we can figure this problem and I will be back home in a few weeks but one never knows
Any thoughts ?

[knowse]

Sorry to hear of you troubles Antman.
I would suggest leaving the tank as is until this matter is settled between the two of you or at least until you are settled someplace permanent.

[Antman]

I think I will be at a buddy house -he has an apartment -in his house and its vacant

[Ritten]

Sorry to hear that Antman. Can you do some take maintenance every few days when you see your daughter?

[pnosko]

Sorry to hear. So she is totally hands-off and not involved with the tank?

I would thing one thing to consider, giving you desire a reconciliation, is to not give the tank more significance than your relationship. But if she feels a reconciliation is on the table but just needs some space, maybe you can arrange a daily visit when she's not there.

Have you talked to her about the care and maintenance during a trial separation?

Good luck.

[Antman]

Thanks for everyones thoughts . Yes I will be in the house atleast once or twice a week to be with my daughter so I will be able to clean out the skimmer cup Check on top off -and I guess a water change say once every few weeks (I am bad anyway now with that)
She is hands off with my tank and Pond -I have a few months to figure out the pond it is closed for the season and pray we are back and have this worked out and in a better space
I can ask if I can have her let my 4 year old drop in frozen cube of food every few days -I dont feed every day now
My main worry is evrapition and the return pump going dry
Thanks again

[Sk8r]

Feeding every few days will be good enough.

I would suggest getting an autotopoff immediately: autotopoff.com.

[Antman]

Space is a huge factor on a 54 corner tank I am lucky I fit a 15 gallon sump under it

[batguano]

Has the time you spent on your tank ever been a problem for your wife? I know my wife resented the heck out of my tank. If so, do yourself a favor. Put your whole system on cragislist and the trading forum here on RC. If you want your family back intact, don't make an issue out of the tank. Just be willing to let it go and unload it. You can always rebuild when your daughter is bigger or if there is no reconciliation, rebuild at another location. You can get yourself a larger system as a divorce present. One of the reasons I drained my tank was to save my marriage. That and it crashed when we went away, but the marriage issue made it easy. I even threw my wife a birthday party with the money I made on the sale.

[BigSkyBart]

Originally posted by batguano
Has the time you spent on your tank ever been a problem for your wife? I know my wife resented the heck out of my tank. If so, do yourself a favor. Put your whole system on cragislist and the trading forum here on RC. If you want your family back intact, don't make an issue out of the tank. Just be willing to let it go and unload it. You can always rebuild when your daughter is bigger or if there is no reconciliation, rebuild at another location. You can get yourself a larger system as a divorce present. One of the reasons I drained my tank was to save my marriage. That and it crashed when we went away, but the marriage issue made it easy. I even threw my wife a birthday party with the money I made on the sale.

and who says lawyers are heartless... good work Jim!



antman, good luck and I second the notion of putting family first.
(or at least giving it a darned good try)

[dc]

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[Freed]

What is the issue that has brought your family to this? Come clean and man up. Maybe we can help but you need to be honest with us and your wife. Was it the tank? Spend more time with it than you did your wife and kids? If so get rid of it--the tank. Was it something else that got in the way of family? Something she has done? If so then she needs to woman up. Let us know so we can help.

[Antman]

Thanks again all
So she has been saying she is tired for the last few months -
I am a guy and think OK she is tired -from working part time -being a mom doing all the stuff around the house (I offer to help but she just sais I got it so I go to the couch and watch TV )
BUT what she has been telling me is she is tired of no emotinal help.
I am a very closed person and show no emotion till the bomb drops
I grew up in a home with 2 parents that drank them selfs to death YOUNG I had no bros or sisters so as they were drunk fighting I closed up like a clam
I hate conflits and would rather ignore there is a problem
Yes this is wrong
I so want this to work out - but now she is so emotinaly closed (like me )
She has asked me for space to figure this out about 3 weeks ago (beffore I moverd out) and I ws off for 2 weeks and did nothing but bicker about BS that was not the problem and wanted answers she could not give so It got bad and she said we need to be apart to figure this out
I am going out of my mind by myself
Thanks again
May not reply for a whils since I have no PC at my place now
Oh yea dont thinkthe tank was ever an issue -she dont love it but my daughter does

[Freed]

Trust me when she says she has it, do something else around the house to help out, DON'T JUST GO SIT ON THE COUCH. That's saying you don't want to help and that she is only there to do work around the house. Ask her about her day. Ask her if anything interesting happened at work. Listen to her if she has issues she wants to get off her mind but DO NOT tell her how to fix the problem or offer suggestions that you know would fix an issue. Just be there to listen. Acknowledge that you understand what she is saying. Ask her how her friends are. Ask her what she is looking forward to doing in a year, in two, down the road. Listen to her and don't be judegmental of anything she is saying.

[oz]

Take it from me... concede... and when she says jump just say how high.

Also, take preemtive actions and be the one that says"we need to talk", even if you have nothing to talk about. Avoid talking about what you did and more about how you feel.

And if she ever say to you, "we need to talk", you're already in trouble. Be prepared for a half-hour impromptu sermon.
Still you can still try a hail mary pass move by answer back with something like... "That sounds wonderful. I have been planning to cook you a candle lit meal..." or something along that line.

[Freed]

I agree. Also make sure YOU cook, clean, do laundry, dishes, help plant flowers in the yard, etc. That stuff isn't woman's work, it's yours too.

[Antman]

Yes IF we can get back to that point