Scattered and disappointed

[tinyfish]

I travel between Richardson and Northwestern Kansas. The farm I manage is in Kansas and my elderly mother lives here. I do a two week turnaround, half a month here, half a month there.

My mom requires care. She has recently had an operation to reduce her considerable pain which was to fry the nerves in her back on one side with electricity and she goes in this week for the same operation on the other side. Besides having a collapsed spine which affects her physically, she has OCD and I am constantly mentally challenged to try to work with her. As one might understand, the daily mail is a tough thing to get through each day in that I must explain each thing and then try to help her make decisions. The other challenging thing is she keeps doing things like bending at the waist and other pulling and lifting that she is not supposed to do. It causes her pain and I cannot seem to get her to stop doing those things. It is frustrating.

I am exhausted each day and have had no time to work on my 90gal build nor to even do everyday tasks at my home.

I don't really know why I am posting this except that I hope the exercise helps me in some way.

[dc]

I'm sorry for your troubles. Sometimes the challenges we face in our lives seem overbearing. Can you get outside help of some kind?

[Sk8r]

The only wisdom I've got is that elderly parents have a way of collecting karma on all the times they caught us by the seat of the pants when we were two and headed for the stairs---and they're cannier and more set in their ways than any youngster.

You probably can't reform her. Ultimately age and time does win over every mother's son of us, and we can't turn back the clock. Nor would she want you to. A parent doesn't want to become the child, or consume the life of her own child with worry and self-blame. She's a free soul, and adult, and she's been making her own choices---hers now is to do pretty much what she wants, when she wants, as long as she can and until she can't,---and sure, she'll complain about the consequences: don't we all?Commiserate with her about the pain---but don't internalize it or beat yourself up for failing to prevent it. If she ultimately reaches the point where she has to be under professional care, don't try to take that on, because there'll be needs someone too closely connected actually can't supply. Pride dictates, too, that she do things HER way, even if it's not the way her medical folk would recommend. Pride is better than treatment, when you get down to it, even if it doesn't get the best medical result. I know what you're saying, and here's a hug for you...it's not easy: it's hard to stand back and yet absolutely, humanly impossible to oversee everything every moment of every day...when it gets to that, it's time for the professionals, in shifts. Meanwhile, just let go of the karma and don't blame her or you: time is, is all, and you just love her, let her do things her way, and be there as you can.

[kar93]

Have you talked about getting your mother a carer?

[skippy2]

Look in the phonebook for elderly care. Not neseccarily for paid help but someone you can talk to about your concerns.
I take care of my 88 yr. old dad and I know what you mean about being stubborn. I recently broke my left hand and left foot so he tries to help but it would be so much easier and faster if he would let me do things myself.
Your Mom sounds like quite the challenge. Do you have siblings that could help you and her? We all need our space and it sounds like you may need a break. Don't beat yourself up over things you can't change about your Mom.

[marie]

Originally posted by Sk8r
The only wisdom I've got is that elderly parents have a way of collecting karma on all the times they caught us by the seat of the pants when we were two and headed for the stairs---and they're cannier and more set in their ways than any youngster.

You probably can't reform her. Ultimately age and time does win over every mother's son of us, and we can't turn back the clock. Nor would she want you to. A parent doesn't want to become the child, or consume the life of her own child with worry and self-blame. She's a free soul, and adult, and she's been making her own choices---hers now is to do pretty much what she wants, when she wants, as long as she can and until she can't,---and sure, she'll complain about the consequences: don't we all?Commiserate with her about the pain---but don't internalize it or beat yourself up for failing to prevent it. If she ultimately reaches the point where she has to be under professional care, don't try to take that on, because there'll be needs someone too closely connected actually can't supply. Pride dictates, too, that she do things HER way, even if it's not the way her medical folk would recommend. Pride is better than treatment, when you get down to it, even if it doesn't get the best medical result. I know what you're saying, and here's a hug for you...it's not easy: it's hard to stand back and yet absolutely, humanly impossible to oversee everything every moment of every day...when it gets to that, it's time for the professionals, in shifts. Meanwhile, just let go of the karma and don't blame her or you: time is, is all, and you just love her, let her do things her way, and be there as you can.

Don't get a swelled head or anything but you always seem to be able to type exactly the right advice and it always makes sense

[Sk8r]

You're very kind---comes of having collected the teeshirt.