Nina...

[crp]

[drauka99]

good deal Carrie

[MandM]

God be with you both Nina. Lots of prayers going out tonight for you and Gary.

[crzy4reefs]

still thinking of you two

[Nina51]

i just came up to the house to hug the dogs and have a wine cooler. we don't drink anything stronger than soda pop in front of nana. sheila, i do believe prayers are working, gary is comfortable and that is what matters the most.

joey, gary will be at the Coonrod Funeral Home in Winchester, IL. this is a lovely family-owned business. i've known these folks for 30+ years. it is where gary's 2 nephews were prepared for burial.

i wish you could see the cemetery. it's just around the corner from our farm, a beautiful place surrounded by pastures where cattle graze. it's a very small country cemetery where families can place individual remembrances on the graves. there are lots of little solar lights as well as some pretty wind chimes here and there. it's one of those places that, strangely enough, a person can go to visit and really be at peace. at one time, someone had a trail of bluebird nest boxes all along the pasture fence. they have long since become dilapidated. right before gary got sick, we had talked about restoring the nest boxes. when he was well enough, we often visited his 2 nephews and i remember a couple of years ago, opening 2 or 3 of the boxes and finding bluebird eggs. bluebirding has been our passion for the 10 years we have lived out here. i'm guessing i will be revamping that trail next year. i can't think of a better tribute to gary and how sweet it would be to have him surrounded by bluebirds!

there has been no change, gary is still sleeping. i asked him for some sugar a little while ago and i thought he puckered up a little but i think it was wishful thinking on my part.

i'm not sure what thursday will bring. a couple of days ago, gary was excited about having thanksgiving but now, i don't think i can do it. everybody will most likely still come but they will be in the basement sitting around nana's "walton" table, i will stay upstairs with my sweetie.

[petoonia]

Love and prayers are still being sent!!!!

[NewMariner]

Originally posted by Nina51
i'm not sure how inspiring i would be if you could see me at some point during most days. just when i think i have it all together, i fall apart. but i do appreciate your thoughts. i'm trying to be strong for nana, mostly. she is having a very hard time right now.

Nina, you are inspiring. You have kept up your spirits, and smile in the darkest hours. You continue to be a pillar of strength and a beacon of direction to those around you in this whirlwind we call life. Strength is getting up when you don't want to, when the world has kicked you, your hurt, your tired, you don't want to do it anymore. Yet you still get up, and you tackle what the world throws at you. Yours and Garys story has truly inspired many people. His battle with cancer may overcome his body, but it will never defeat his soul, his character, and most of all, his love for you. Your dedication, your love for him, to endure all of this is inspiring. I admire Gary. Not many are so lucky to find someone so willing to endure.

I wish I had more time to have read all of yours and gary's stories through the years. They are recorded here in the lounge, and maybe one day I will be able to go back and be able to read of all the antics. But from what I have read, you two have had a very special relationship. And I only wish that I would have been able to befriend Gary in real life. Maybe in the next life we all can talk fish tanks and enjoy each others company..

May Peace comfort you, and love fulfill you.

[dwd5813]

Blue skies Smiling on me
Nothing but blue skies Do I see
Blue birds Singing a song
Nothing but blue skies From now on.

I never saw the sun shining so bright
When you're in love, everything's right
Watching all the days Hurrying by
When you're in love, My how they fly

Those blue days, all of them gone
Nothing but blue skies from now on.

Blue skies Smiling on me
Nothing but blue skies Do I see
Blue birds Singing a song
Nothing but blue skies From now on.

I never saw the sun shining so bright
When you're in love, everything's right
Watching all the days Hurrying by
When you're in love, My how they fly

Those blue days, all of them gone
Nothing but blue skies, Nothing but blue skies
Nothing but blue skies, from now on.

[2fishy]

dwd5813, I love that song! It's one of my most favorite in the whole wide world!

Nina, I wish that I could be there to hold your hand! To sit with you, and just be there to listen or sit with.

I remember.....


just like you and everyone else who has lost someone. I remember the helplessness and the waiting. I remember appreciating every minute, but feeling like I was lost in the silence of the waiting.


I am so glad that you have the strength to come back here and write. I know I talk WAY too much for my own good! But I sat silent in my mom's hospital room for 5 days. I wish I had been more like Joey and the other's, and relished the time I had left, but I didn't speak that much. I just sat and waited and listened, in a chair a ways away from my mom's bed. I remember being absolutely petrified when they suggested hospice! And the guilt I felt for feeling that way. My mom's doctor refused to let her leave because she didn't have that much time left. I was so relieved because I was so scared!

Funny, I was the baby of the family and my mom was my best friend. I talked to her everyday, without fail, and sometimes several times a day, which I'm sure would drive her nuts! I wonder now if she thought I wasn't there because "her" chatter box was so quiet!

You have so much more courage than I did! Thank you for sharing how things are going! Thank you for sharing this experience with all of us, because, although maybe it isn't your intention, you may teach some of us how to be strong in our weakest moments!

We love you, Nina! And we are keeping Gary, you, and all of your loved ones in our thoughts and prayers!

[Nina51]

this will be quick...gary woke up this morning!!! i cut his pain meds in half last night, he slept all night and this morning seems to be a little refreshed. i removed the oxygen, his breathing is nice and even and he is no longer struggling. i will keep it handy, in case he needs it again but for now, he's doing fine w/o it.

he asked for some coffee so i gave him a few tiny sips from the end of a straw. i asked him if he thinks he might feel good enough to sit in his chair today and he said yes. i am so hoping we can have him up and in his chair before the hospice nurse arrives.

i still plan to go talk to the funeral director today. i know it's inevitable, i will need his services sooner than later and i don't see the sense in waiting.

we never know how long these good periods will last. sometimes gary will rally for several hours, other times only for a few minutes before he slips back into a deep sleep. for however long they last, nana and i and usually 2 or 3 of gary's brothers revel in them.

when we were putting gary in his chair on sunday, george and rod were on each side of him and i was guiding his hips back to the chair. i said "one more step sweetie" and he didn't move. i repeated "one more step, just one more step and then you can sit." i thought he was falling and i gasped. george started laughing and told me gary was dancing with me. that stinker was standing there and moving his feet as if he was dancing and he was grinning and winking at george. he's STILL trying to make me laugh!

in all of this, i can see a little humor here and there. yesterday and last night, it was almost as if we were at his wake. once in a while, one of us would slip up and refer to him in the past tense. we had to keep reminding each other than he is still here and it looks like today, HE will be the one to keep us on our toes.

more later and thank you for your kind words. never in a bazillion years did i ever think *I* could inspire other people. if i have, that's nice but i hope i never EVER have to talk any of you through this experience. i can honestly say, although i questioned my faith more than once in the very beginning, i have grown so much closer to God. if nothing else good comes out of this, at least i have that.

love & hugs to you all. xoxoxo nina

[Aliie]

I love the fact that given the chance he gives you a run for the money Nina. The dancing story brought tears to my eyes because of the love and passion that he still feels for you to want to see you smile and know he's given you a reason for
That is just the best and funny as can be. I could picture the whole thing as you were telling it.
You want him back in the chair just so he can grab your bum!

I hope that Nana can find the will to be at peace with this like you can. I worry about her as well as you. Oh and you are an inspiration in many ways. I am inspired to keep the love in my relationship with hubby as strong as you and Gary have.

Give him hugs from all of us & big hugs to you.

[MarkS]

Originally posted by Nina51

i am truly at peace with God's plan. i am ready. i do not want to see gary linger in this condition. this is not really him, this is not the gary i have loved so deeply for the past 11 years. that gary was a jokester, always kidding around, always happy, always loving. at this point, he cannot so much as squeeze my hand. i do not believe he is in any pain, his rest is peaceful. we did put him on oxygen today because his breathing seemed labored. i am ready to let him go, for God to take him. nothing will ever be the same for me, for my nana, for gary's siblings. but i know he will be in good hands when he leaves this world. we should all be so lucky as to have lived as gary has, being loved so intensely. i am so so lucky to have been loved by him.

I am so glad to read this. My biggest fear for you is that you wouldn't be ready when the time came.

I've never lost anyone I love, although I know its inevitable. My biggest fear is that I'll lose someone without warning. While I can only imagine what you are going through, not to mention Gary, at least you both have time to come to terms with it.

[Nina51]

Originally posted by MarkS
I am so glad to read this. My biggest fear for you is that you wouldn't be ready when the time came.

I've never lost anyone I love, although I know its inevitable. My biggest fear is that I'll lose someone without warning. While I can only imagine what you are going through, not to mention Gary, at least you both have time to come to terms with it.

i have talked at length about this very thing with a friend i met at the kidney cancer support website. we speak on the phone almost every day, she lives in philly. linda lost her husband 10 months ago, between diagnosis and death was a short 7 months. she often told me that watching him die was the worst pain imaginable and i am now seeing what she meant.

linda also said to me that if she had to lose the love her her life, she was not at all sure she would not have wanted it to happen quickly, without warning. i guess there are different ways to look at it. i cannot imagine the shock of getting a phone call with the worst news possible but then again, having to see gary decline over the past few weeks has been unbearable. when it comes right down to it, it doesn't really matter. the end result is the same and that cannot be changed.

i have taken the second step in my healing. the first step was to accept that soon, i will be "alone". this morning, i called the funeral director to set up a time to meet with him. i am waiting for him to call me back. i hope to have enough wits about me to be able to at least give him some idea as to what we want and to select a casket. nana is watching over gary, i invited her to go with me but she said she just could not and i told her that was fine but that i will want her approval before i make my final selection. the easier i can make this on nana, the better i will feel about it.

i have been coming up to our house every evening, watching a little t.v., cuddling with the dogs, and just having some quiet time alone. i think nana needs some alone time with her son and i want her to have that. as awful as it is for me, i cannot imagine what she is going through. gary is her oldest child and she has always had a special twinkle in her eye for him.

it is so cathartic to be able to come here and put feelings into words. you have no idea how much this helps me! love & hugs xoxoxo nina

[crpeck]

Originally posted by MarkS
at least you both have time to come to terms with it.

There is no question that it's much better to have the opportunity to "come to terms" and not have someone suddenly taken from you with so many things left unsaid. But I don't think you can ever really be ready when the time comes.

This thread has been amazing on a lot of levels. The incredible support for Nina and Gary is a testament to the impact they've had on so many people here. The outpouring of care is a reassurance that the best part of humanity is alive and kicking. With all the horrible things in the world, its great to see so many people being .... well ..... caring and human and feeling Nina's grief along with her on a personal level.

Sharing your grief, Nina, is helping all of us who have experienced the loss of a loved one work through our own pain and is setting a powerfully positive example of the way to do it for those who haven't yet experienced this nightmare.

This is feeling like a big support group here. I'm SO glad it's helping you Nina. I don't know about anyone else, but it's helping me too.

[Petie]

Nina, I'm glad Gary is in no pain. As I have told you about my similar situation with my Grandfather, Hospice is being called today as we thought we were losing him last night and he refused to go to the hospital b/c he refuses to die in one he wants to be at home. I stayed up with him all night so that makes a 30 hour day for me right now. He would wake up and tell me to go to sleep so I started closing my eyes whenever he would stir so he thought I was sleeping.
Without you and Gary, and Nana I would be a basket case right now, instead I'm cool and collected with him and fall apart alone. I'm not hijacking your thread I just wanted to let you know I love you guys and if you need ANYTHING I would gladly drive south to accomodate. xoxo

[MarkS]

I haven't looked at it from that perspective. Either way has to be hard. Still, I would rather have the chance to say goodbye and come to terms with it than get that phone call. I really cannot imagine what you are going through.

The closest I've come to losing someone was when I was a teen. Four friends of mine (ages, 4, 7, 12 and 15) were killed on their mother's birthday by a train. The seven year old turned eight the day he was buried. You can probably imagine the condition of the bodies (I know the details and wish I didn't), but try and imagine getting that phone call and then having to identify what was left of your kids. I guess this is why I'm so scared of losing someone without warning. That is a hard thing for a child to wrap his mind around.

[Nina51]

cherish, your grandpa sounds just about as stubborn as my gary. there's something to be said for that! i wish you all peace, acceptance, and that your grandpa's journey is as beautiful as i have been told it is. the hospice nurse has talked to us at length about what a person at his end of life is most likely experiencing. she makes it sound oh so lovely and that is SO reassuring to us all! your offer of help is sweet but you have plenty on your plate right now. the best we can do is come here and support each other. i'm glad to know you can read these posts and stay strong.

crpeck, i could not agree with you more. there are just no words to express how much it has helped me to come here, post my most inner feelings and get the sort of responses i have had. those many months ago, when i first poured out my heart to you all, i could not possibly have even remotely considered how much this would mean to me AND to gary. before recent events, gary knew i came here often and there were many times when he would ask what's happenin' in the lounge. he also read the threads devoted to him and more than once, he became emotional.

as for telling gary things i want him to know before he dies...not a day goes by and not a day has gone by in 11 years that we did not tell each other how much we love each other. gary often said he didn't know why we even talked because we always knew what the other was thinking. sooo many times, we completed each other's sentences and then we would laugh and he would say "ohhh that's spooky!". from day one, he has known that i love him more than life itself and i know he has always felt the same about me. i can let him go knowing that his heart will stay here with me.

i am meeting with the funeral director at 9 a.m. tomorrow. he has been aware of our situation because he is also one of our volunteer ambulance drivers and knew about gary falling.

i'm on my way to town to pick up a few things at the store. i ran out of yarn last night, i crochet while i sit by gary's bed. i have a mountain of dish cloths to rival the grand tetons!

more later. xoxoxo nina

[Josh125]

Nina - A person's life is not measured by how long they live. They are measured by how many people they touch along the way and the love they give and receive during the journey.

I am confident that most people who live to be a 100 have not touched as many people as Gary has and I am also confident that not many people have given or received the amount of love that big Gary has.....you all continue to be in our prayers.

[drauka99]

Originally posted by Josh125
Nina - A person's life is not measured by how long they live. They are measured by how many people they touch along the way and the love they give and receive during the journey.

I am confident that most people who live to be a 100 have not touched as many people as Gary has and I am also confident that not many people have given or received the amount of love that big Gary has.....you all continue to be in our prayers.

well said.

[MandM]

You'll never be alone Nina.

You will always have God and the Lounge. Gary will be in a better place but he will always be in your heart as he is now in ours.

[Hattie B]

I was just thinking about the two of you..

[Nina51]

Originally posted by MandM
You'll never be alone Nina.

You will always have God and the Lounge. Gary will be in a better place but he will always be in your heart as he is now in ours.

thank you so much for that. he most certainly does have a way of worming his way into peoples' hearts.

gary has been awake off and on today. the hospice chaplain was here a little while ago. he sat by gary's bed and played his guitar and sang a couple of hymns. it was lovely and gary really enjoyed it. when the chaplain got up to leave, gary reached out to shake his hand.

the hospice nurse called and said she didn't see any reason to make a trip here today and i agreed with her. she will come out for a visit tomorrow.

gary was trying to sit up in bed this afternoon. i asked him if he was getting frisky and he winked and grinned at me.

hi hattie!!! can dino come out and play?

tuffy is taking advantage of my fragile state. i like to come up the lane and hug the horses when gary is sleeping and i have a few minutes. i'm here so often, i think i've gone through a whole bag of marshmallows in the past 2 days. :O

[UH_OH_5_OH]

We love you Nina....and I don't know HOW it helps...but we're here for you !

[redawg]

Originally posted by Aliie
Oh and you are an inspiration in many ways. I am inspired to keep the love in my relationship with hubby as strong as you and Gary have.

I agree. I was getting mad at my husband the other day over something trivial. I thought of Nina and Gary's love for each other, and decided to not get mad, to love him. So I walked over and kissed his forehead. He looked at me like I was crazy, and I told him that I want to be like Nina.
He has always kept up with what's going on with Gary, so he knew exactly what I meant.

[redawg]

gary has been awake off and on today. the hospice chaplain was here a little while ago. he sat by gary's bed and played his guitar and sang a couple of hymns. it was lovely and gary really enjoyed it. when the chaplain got up to leave, gary reached out to shake his hand.

A true gentleman!