ot: tstone

[bryon0508]

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked.


Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Kent lays down his pool, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of em finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Kent replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"



A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department store. He approached the store manager who responded they needed no help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why don't you show up and you can give it a try." The elated boy returned the following day and proceeded to sell. At the end of the day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of merchandise. The manager asked how he had done so well. The young man said, "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks, he said sure, That's $1.50. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole for $43.50. Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer... so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked where he was going fishing and he said Strawberry Reservior. I told him the best places to catch fish are near the center, "Do you have a boat?" The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00. Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all." As you can imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied, "Oh no, it all began with him asking for some tampons which were $3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else this weekend, you might as well go fishing!"

[papagimp]

Originally posted by bryon0508
"It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"

Is it wrong that I find this so darn funny, LOL

And kept it fishy related too, nice byron!

okay tstone, top those.

[tstone]

Subject: Replacement Windows
Last year she replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind.
Today she got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and she
still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So she told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told
her last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line so she finally just
hung up. He never called back.





You gotta love country humor and problem solving.

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's
somebody under it.. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor. ''I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. 'Why didn't
you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under
there now !!!'

Git 'er dun!!!!!!!!!





Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns,
dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped
quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing
50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio
, and discovered that the weather would be bad through out
the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now
with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather
out there is terrible."

My wife replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing?"




OK fish related and all.

[bryon0508]

ROUND 2


No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it. The man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " Shut up and fish!".

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!

Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.

Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off." "But that's just what I did, mommy."

Two morons go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. 1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish. 2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot. 1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

The priest was a fisherman, but he hadn't fished in months. One perfect Sunday morning he couldn't resist. He called up the Bishop and claimed he had laryngitis. The priest then headed out to his favorite fishing spot. The hook hadn't been in the water five minutes before he got a strike, and landed the biggest fish he had ever caught--although he had seen bigger ones. A half hour later he caught the biggest fish he had ever seen. Another forty-five minutes later he landed a fish that broke the world record. All this time Saint Peter and God had been watching the priest from heaven. Saint Peter turned to God and said, "How can you reward this priest? He lied. He let down his congregation." God smiled at Saint Peter and replied, "I am punishing him." Saint Peter was confused, so God continued, "Well after he finishes, who can he tell his fish story to?"

[papagimp]

Ha!, I love that last one!

[bryon0508]

wow tstone didnt have anything to say to that im surprised

[papagimp]

lol, give em time, he always comes through with something hysterical.

[poke75]

My new favorite thread!!

[tstone]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked
this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part
about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges
still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

* Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )


After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know
what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is
wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number
69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???

----------------------------------------------

A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other
on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just
wants
to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls
over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun.
He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a
blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
"Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5,
but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will
be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.


The lawyer asks the first question . .
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone
with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of
Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends
he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde,
is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little
frustrated!

He wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a
hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to
sleep.

--------------------------------------------

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his
hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical
health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those
things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks
him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health
care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you
took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go
off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

[gm333]

I Ain’t No Fool

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, ''Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!''

''Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!'' the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, ''Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!''




NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent - she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't niver seen nobody try it.



The Phone Call
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you
called.

Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you! That sounds terrifiic!

Great!

Thanks.

Okay.

Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[bryon0508]

ouch how am i to keep up with that?i better put on my gloves on now, it might just get a little dirty.....


oops theres the camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."


kids say the darndest things

A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."


dont trust old ladies

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29"."I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."


omg old people

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"


Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

[tstone]

Change directions.

Redneck houseboat

[tstone]

Redneck taxi

[tstone]

Redneck swimmin pool

[Krbekk]

Subject: Southernisms or just plain "REDNECK"


Kentucky:

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'


Alabama :

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

' A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'


Louisiana:

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.'

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana
because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than
in the rest of the civilized world.




Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'


Georgia:

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75.

The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'


South Carolina:

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back!


I never did understand it neither.'


You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!

[bryon0508]

[bryon0508]

baby time out redneck style


oh redneck christmas yard decoration


my personal fave and my own niece passed out

[bryon0508]

this is what happens when tstone gives a 1 1/2 year old a corona

[tstone]

Don't be layin no child abuse crap on me, ya redneck

[bryon0508]

okok i put the bottle there when she passed out at my last b-day