Terrible Tragedy - what to do?

[clavery]

This past Friday evening, four kids from our local highschool were out driving in very bad foggy weather. They got into a terrible car accident, and one of the kids was killed. The three others (including the driver) suffered minor injuries. These kids were good, honor-roll students - no drugs or alchohol involved, apparently they were not speeding. Just got caught in bad weather, skidded on a slippery patch, and hit a tree.

My 17 year old son knows all of the kids involved. He went to the wake tonight and came back visibly upset. I have always talked openly to him, but he's very closed about expressing any emotions in return. He did, however, come back shaken and near tears. Tomorrow is the funeral and I know it's going to be hard on him. I offered to go with him, as did my husband (his step-father) but he wants to go on his own.

We are not church-going people, but have raised our kids with a sense of faith and a belief of a higher being, and strong values and morals. I told him that it's really hard at times like this to find a reason for why these things happen, but to appreciate life for what a precious gift it is, to tell the people you love that you love them, and to live every day to the fullest. He actually gave me a full hug/embrace this evening - first time in ages.

What can I do to help him out during this very difficult time? I told him I was here for him if he wanted to talk about it, and that if it's uncomfortable to talk about this with his parents/step-parents, that the school has people he can talk to or I'd send him to someone else. I don't know what else to do for him. Obviously, I just want to hug him and keep him in the house and not let him ever leave, but that's not a rational solution. It's one of the first times since I've been a parent that I'm actually at a loss for what else to do, other than what we've already done.

If any of you have gone through something like this, I'd really appreciate your advice and wisdom. Teenagers are going through so much and sometimes they just don't want to share their feelings and emotions with their parents, and I just want to be able to give him the support he needs/wants and keep an eye on him for signs of trouble accepting/dealing with this terrible loss.

Thanks for your support.

Cheryl

[TheBimbo]

Oh Cheryl, hun, it's gonna be very hard on him for some time... But I'm glad that he decided to go. The only thing I can say is to be there for him, as you always are, and to let him know how very much you love him. To always say I love you , and such b/f he or any family member leaves to go somewhere, and when hanging up the telephone... He's going to need you more than he's going to tell you, just let him know you are there for him, whenever he needs you, no matter what!!!


Christy...

[emilye2]

Let me start by saying I've never had to deal with something like this....but being that he is a man and men feel better when they can fix thing (sweeping generalization I know!) is there anything you can think of that he could do to help the family? Organize some sort of memorial, or fundraiser to erect a memorial? Anything that would make him feel slightly less helpless in the situation, and more like he was making some sort of positive difference. Don't know....it's late and I'm rambling. :(

[EmergencyDpt]

I think it's great that he has decided to go. Looks like he's growing up into a great man. Good job.

[VoidRaven]

It's a very tough situation Cheryl. One that there is no easy answer for. Being there for him is probably the best thing you can do for him right now.

About three years ago my wife and I had a similar situation. A friend of ours from college was killed suddenly when a tornado swept through his town and leveled his house. He was only out of school for about a year, wonderful guy, very well liked and respected. Had his first home and was sharing it with another couple who were friends of his. When the storm hit they frantically ran for the basement/crawlspace in the house. He made sure they got there first so that they were safe...unfortunately in the process he was killed. During the whole time it was happening I was driving home through extremely bad weather in another part of the state. Around 4am we got the phone call. Couple days later we were back near our college town at the service. Strangest thing to be a 20-something and at a funeral with all of your classmates to bury a friend that young. All we could keep thinking is that "we're not supposed to be doing this...not yet".......and, of course, what a great guy he was.

It's going to be tough for a bit, but your son will be stronger and a better man in the end.

[Nina51]

how very sad. perhaps you could encourage your son to put down on paper what he can't express in words. sometimes just letting the words out, even though another human being may not ever see them, can be therapeutic.

as has been said, it will be a tough go for a while but he knows he is dearly loved and that alone will help him through it. it sounds like he is a very sensitive young man.

it says a lot about you that you hurt so much because your son is so sad. parenting can suck sometimes but the rewards far outweight the turmoils.

[ReeferMac]

<a href=showthread.php?s=&postid=6526364#post6526364 target=_blank>Originally posted</a> by clavery
What can I do to help him out during this very difficult time?

Hold him, hug him, kiss him, and remind him how precious life is.

- Mac

[clavery]

Thanks for your kind words, everyone. My son is very involved with SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) and I'm sure they will do something to memorialize Noah's short life.

I guess they had an open casket at the wake, and that really shook him up. I can't imagine the grief that that family is feeling right now - makes me cold inside if I think about it too much. Just seems so senseless and if I, at 43, can't find any sense in it, how can you really console a 17 year old who has never dealt with this before?

But your kind words make me feel that I'm doing the right thing for my son, whatever that is, and I really appreciate your support.

Kiss your kids and tell them you love them everyday. No regrets, no remorse, right?

[dc]

All you can do is be there for him. I know it depends on how well he knew them. The survivers will probably have a harder time than anyone, maybe you can encourage him to see how they are. I know that we had 3 kids killed in a car of 5 one year. It pretty much turned this town upside down, as we are small and everybody know everybody else. The following year we lost another girl in a car accident. From what I've seen boys are less apt to talk about it than girls. Eventually when you can talk about their life instead of their death you'll know things are getting better.

[Sugar Magnolia]

Cheryl, my son just turned 17 and I can relate to the way a 17 year old young man expresses himself, or should I say, doesn't express himself and his feelings. I know this must be so difficult for him and I'm sure your heart is breaking, because as moms, we always want to take the hurt and pain from our children rather than see them sad and hurting emotionally. It's never easy to lose someone you know, no matter what age we are, but I think having it happen when you are an adolescent boy is probably more difficult because they tend to keep things to themselves rather than show their emotions. When he gets back from the funeral, hold him close for as long as he lets you, and whipser to him that it's okay to cry and to let it out. Chances are he will. Maybe not right there in your arms, but he will.

[mmmmsushi]

I've been through something like this and it's quite scary. Holding emotion in will make it eventually explode and come out sideways. Talking to someone, no matter who it is, is very important. Therapy helps SOOO much as it's a neutral person to talk to, but a lot of people have a hard time doing that because it's like admiting that you may have a problem. The truth is we could all benefit from Therapy.

[Minuteman]

Cheryl,

In addition to the grief he is working through right now, he is also most likely coming to grips with his own mortality. That is a very big pill for a young man to swallow.
Were I in your shoes, I think I would seek out a church support group and start attending. It most likely would be short lived, but perhaps he will come to recognize that we are here but a short time and that life is just too precious to be wasted away.
In any event, he'll wrap his mind around it in a few months and move on. I wish you the best...

Greg

[joeychitwood]

Hi Cheryl. My daughters have experienced far more death in their peer group than I ever did, and I went to a high school four times larger than theirs. They took solace in their group of friends during those times. We stood by and were there on the occasions when they needed a parent. Let your son know you are always there to talk or just be around.

Young males occasionally let out grief in the form of anger or aggression, so be watchful for those kinds of behaviors.

[clavery]

He looked so handsome all dressed up for the funeral. He's taking a few of his friend with him. Of course, I had to tell him to drive carefully. They're having grief counselors at the HS, and I told him he should talk to someone if he needs/wants to. That it shows of courage, not weakness, to reach out to someone if you need it.

Doc, I will definitely be keeping an eye on him for abhorrent behavior. I lost a few friends during HS to suicide and car accidents, so I'm very familiar with what he's going through. It's just hard to see it happening to your own kid, and girls have a tendency to cry and let it out, whereas boys tend to keep everything inside.

[tsquad]

Make sure you let him know he's not alone and that people are there for him, including myself. I've had two friends die in the past year in car accidents, another in a coma. It was tough, real tough...I'd talked to Mark a day before. Rachel I didn't know well, she was one of my classes...she went to college and she was killed drunk. Really stupid stuff. Pia got in a very bad accident, the police couldn't even identify her car..supposedly she's doing OK now, haven't heard much. But that night was really scary for us all. Anyways, I'll stop rambling...let your son know I'm really sorry, this kind of stuff shouldn't happen to anyone..

[Fat Man]

I have experience enough grief myself to say that you have gooten some very good advice. It is a long process and may take years to go through. Just be there for him and acknowledge his grief. Don't try to cheer him up, as alot of people would feel compelled to do. Its a terrible sad situation and feeling bad is entirely appropriate.