If your adopted, please read!

[grostanzo]

I have debated whether or not to post this decided that so many other people post private issues so, why shouldn't I.

25 years ago I became pregnant and through my mothers wishes gave the baby up for adoption. It was not what I nor anyone else in my family wanted except my mother. For some reason at that time I always did what she wanted.

For the last 7 years or so that decision caused me to put a wedge between her and myself. She did eventually say she was sorry and that it was the wrong choice. To make things worse, she told me once that if I had said I wanted to keep her right after she was born she would have said yes. My mother worked for the Dr. who delivered my baby and she went into the nursery after she was born.

Anyway with that having been said my mother passed away this past mothers day. We were on the road the to mending are distance.

On to the real issue here. Yesterday morning I received an E-mail from a confidential Intermediary for the state of Indiana (where I am from) saying that she was looking for a gina that gave birth to a baby girl May of 78 and wanted to know if I was that person.

I called her and said yes. It turns out that my daughter did not know that the laws had changed in 1993 and just found out in her search for me.

She had the courts petitioned to have the records opened.
Then the courts gave my info to a CI who has found me.
My daughter wants to meet me. I also found out by this person that the people who adopted her knew of her Italian heritage and named her Maria. That is my sisters name. I couldn't believe it.

Anyway, I am very excited and very scared too. I have never forgot her. I can still see her when she was first born. I had given up that she would ever search for me and now here it is.

My BF reminded me last night she has parents keep that in mind.

I am sure that I will probably fall apart when I see her. Putting her up for adoption was probably the right thing for her it wasn't the right thing for me. I have always felt that.

I really don't know what to expect. I have heard of stories of the child and parent forming a close relationship and then the stories of where the child just wants a family history.

If any of you are adopted and searched for and found your birth mother:

1) why did you look for her?

2) What type of relationship did you form with them?

I would like for some of you to share you experiences in the hopes it will help me to know what I may or may not expect.

Sincerely,
Gina

[Rueg]

Good luck! I am not adopted by my wife is. She does not know who her real mother is. She has thought about perhaps tracking down her real mother, but has never had a hugh urge to take the steps necessary to do that. Both her and her brother were adopted at the same time by the same people. Her stepmother (my monther-in-law) is not a nice person. Her brother left because of the way his stepmother treated him and hasn't been seen or heard from in many many years. She has put up with her mother-in-law because her father is a good person. Her step-mother favors her biological children over her adopted children big time and it is unfortunete how she treats my wife. Her step-mother acts jealous of her almost. A very strange situation. I wish she would stand up to her but she is too nice. Some day I imagine I will.

I really don't know what to say about you meeting your daughter after 25 years. 25 years is a long time. Take things slow and be understanding. It will take time to catch up if that is what she wants. She may just want an explanation of why you gave her up for adoption. Keep an open mind.

Again - good luck!

[CrystalAZ]

Wow!

I am not adopted either, but my mom put my oldest brother up for adoption in a very similar situation to yours - my grandmother made her do it and even made her leave the town until she gave birth so she wouldn't be "shamed".

My sister and I found my half-brother on an internet search and found out he had been looking for my mom for a while!

Although he had a great upbringing and wonderful parents, he always wondered about where he came from. He had no brothers and sisters in his family, and now he has 5! :)

My half-brother is a fantastic person and I am so glad we found each other. I know that for my mom, it was such a relief to know her son was happy and well.

My mom's relationship with him is close, but of course, different because he already has a "mom".

I would say to you... go into it with an open heart and let her define where the relationship goes. You could end up being great friends or you could end up with a motherly relationship, but either way I think this is a great blessing to both of you... and I think it will mean a lot to her to hear from you that you never wanted to "give her away".

Let us know what happens. I am very excited for you!!

Crystal

[grostanzo]

Thank you Rueg and Crystalaz for your responses. It's good to hear these stories. I can't hardly wait to meet her and am scared to do so. What a mixture of feelings I have right now. I am a very emotional person anyway and just reading your post have brought tears to my eyes. Thank you!!!

Gina

I will let you know what happens

[dc]

Well my son is 29. I met him about 2 1/2 years ago. I guess you should probably expect overwhelming excitement, and possibly great heartbreak. There will be both. It was great and very satisfying to know he's alive, he has 2 kids that I got to see a lot of. But then his wife started hinting about money, noone helping them etc. The final blow was her threatening me "If I wanted Robyn" I basically told her to go to hell. I wouldn't change it for the world tho, I'm glad I got to meet and see him. It was so bizzare how alike we were. Even the way we eat our food. He has a lot of my mannerisms, looks like my family, things you think about their whole life. We talked a lot about his Mom and Dad, I never referred to myself as his Mom. The kids did call me Grandma. I knew it was coming, but it was still worth it. Just seeing him was a relief beyond imagining. He's like an hour away from where I live now. Don't miss the chance to meet her, and go from there, only time will tell how it will turn out.

[sammystingray]

WOW Gina, I don't even know what to say. She seems to have went through a lot of effort to find you. I think people spend a good portion of their lives trying to understand who they are, and to not know where you came from would leave so many holes and questions. I actually find it hard to imagine looking at someone 25 years later, and most probably seeing yourself in their face. I think this is a really really good thing Gina, it's hard to guess what will happen, but I do think this is a good thing.

On a side note, even worse, my buddy Pat wishes so badly to know who his parents were, but he was actually a "dumpster baby" left to die in Panama. His "dad" adopted him while serving in the military there. He doesn't even know when his birthday is, just a close estimate.:( :(

Good luck Gina, I really think this will be good for both of you, very emotional perhaps, but good.:) Thanks for sharing the story with us. Although as far as I know, I'm not adopted, I would almost definately seek out my natural parents if I was. It would be because I simply would have to know answers to questions. Why did you give me away? Do I have full brothers and sisters, or even half brothers and sisters?? Why did you keep them and not me. Tough questions, so I would be prepared for them.

Someone has searched this entire earth for you alone. I do think it will be a good thing. I think she will be pleased to see she came from an intelligent nice person who did care.

[DiscoToo]

Gina,

Take it one day at a time with no expectations.

Ron

[grostanzo]

Just an update... The papers didn't come today like I thought they might. So, now I have to wait till Monday. Damn, the waiting is hard. Monday will be a long day at work. :(

[dogfacepuffer]

I grew up not knowing my brother was actually my half-brother. We found out my dad adopted him when he was two or three. After working through the anger of feeling lied to for 24 years, my brother found his birth father. Ironically, they lived one town away from each other. He spent time trying to get to know the man, and what had happened. I guess the guy didn't ever want to talk about it. Anyway, my brother later realized his birth father was a jerk, and didn't want to be involved in his life anymore, but at least all his questions were answered.
I would say, be yourself, answer her questions honestly, and have a great time getting to know her. And, even if she just wants a family history, at least she'll know her true background, and you may still be able to get a relationship out of this. Plus, you can get your questions answered too about her life.

[saltydad]

I note that you are in MD. I suggest you contact a group called ABSN (Adoptee-Birthparent Support Network). You can e-mail them at absnmail@aol.com. I'm an adoptee currently waiting for the court to act on my petition to unseal my adoption records. ABSN is filled with knowledgable, supportive, empathic folk who can serve as a resource (or can refer you to one). Good luck to you, hang in there, and G-d bless.

[stereomandan]

Originally posted by saltydad
Good luck to you, hang in there, and G-d bless.

Is there something wrong with saying God Bless that I'm not aware of?

In any case... Gina. I pray that all goes as well as can be expected and that you find a lasting peace in this whole ordeal.

Dan

[grostanzo]

Thank you everyone for the support. A support group may be a good thing. I already know that if she only wants family background I may be in some emotional trouble here. My BF and I got into a discussion last night about her and I argued the fact that I am her biological mother. He agreed but, told me she has a mother and I am not that person. I know that in my mind but, I feel differently in my heart. I need to slow down here or I may just get hurt all over again. I never wanted to give her up and of all the wrong things I did growning up this was by far the biggest. I wish to God I would of had the backbone to tell my mother NO, I am keeping my child but, I didn't. I am so sad right now. I missed so much.

Anyway, for right now, you guys are my support group and I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you so very much!

Gina

[Aquaman]

I am adopted, and have done as much research as I can about my birth parents. I am %90 sure I have my mothers maiden and some family info. although I have very little other info. The state of Texas is a little more difficult about opening records. At this point I don't ever expect to hear from her. I did put my name in a record database so if she ever checks a match will be found. Good luck,

[purduefan]

I am adopted and have met my birth mother. I also found out that after my mother placed me for adoption, she later married my father and I have 2 full sisters and a full brother (that I have also met).
When I was pregnant with my first child, I searched for and found my birth mother, primarily due to questions I had -- health wise. She answered my questions and we let it go at that. She told me of my siblings and asked that I never try to contact them, because she had never found a way to tell them about me. I respected her wishes.
About six years later, fate stepped in and my siblings found out about me and searched for me.
One of my toughest moments in life was when I pulled up in front of a house and saw three adults sitting on the front porch. I knew they were sisters and brother -- but it was the first time I had laid eyes on them. They are great people and welcomed me with open arms. About 4 years later, I finally met my birth mother face to face.
I have absolutely NO hard feelings toward my birth mother. In fact, she was a great mother because she gave me unconditional love, support, education -- a great life! She gave it to me through other people -- but her sacrifice gave it to me none the less. My parents were wonderful people who have both since passed away.
I cannot honestly say that I feel the same towards my birth mother as I do towards my "real" mother -- but I do not fault her. I think our meeting was akward for both of us -- but it was something we both wanted and were ready for. (At least I know where I got my chubby "apple" cheeks from! -- HA!).
The tough part for me is the sibs. I was raised an only child because my adoptive parents could not have children of their own and three days after my adoption was finalized my mother turned "too old" to adopt any more. It's hard for me to have a true relationship with my sisters and brother because we don't share any life experiences. They are warm and keep me abreast of family "happenings" but there is just something missing.
Go slow, answer questions honestly, no guilt. Life is what it is and decisions made years ago cannot be unmade. You also cannot force relationships to happen. Stay in contact and keep the lines of communication open. If all your child wants is answers to questions, or to satisfy a curiosity, you must accept that too. I wish you the very best of luck.

[dc]

Well if you don't expect too much, you won't set yourself up for too much heartache. Essentially your boyfriend is right. She has parents. I have friends and family in all areas of this. My sister in laws Mother is just heartbroken that her 5 adopted kids wanted to find their birth Mothers. She thinks it's a slap in the face. My nieces husband has no interest what soever to find his birth Mother, but his sister does. It's a rollercoaster all the way around. I had signed up years ago on the National Registry, so if he wanted to find me he could. I would have never looked for him. I found out later that his wife only signed him up to pi$$ off his Mother, which was very sucessful by the way. There are many unforseen factors. Of course I had no secrets, so nobody was shocked. I did get a couple years with my grandkids, they came and spent a lot of time with me, I knew I was just a free babysitter, but I didn't mind that either. As Perdue says go slow.

[lilbuddy]

grostanzo
that is a touching story. Dont kick yourself for what happen 25 years ago. I hope everything will work out for you.
Mike

[grostanzo]

I just received the papers today. Will fill them out tonight and mail back tomorrow. I will let everyone know what happens next. Thank you so much for this needed support!!!

Gina

[pbs911]

Good luck. I hope it works out for you. The key is that the adopted child searched and found you, not the other way around. I wish you the best.

I have a story of when the biological mother and father finding a child they gave up for adoption.

I am adopted, as is my younger sister. We have always known. The only reason I would ever want to see my birth parents is to see another human being that has the same genes. I have a mother and a father and family I love and care about. Family is who you are raised by, who you share experiences with. A family is much more than DNA, IMO.

About 3 years ago my sister's birther parents hired a PI to find my sister. A letter was sent to my sister that said this woman was here birth mother and would like to meet her. My sister did and has had a wonderful (to her) relationship with her biological mother. She has also met her birth father because the two have kept in touch. My sister now has two other sisters and a second set of parents.

Consider this: what if my sister did not know she was adopted?

IMO my sister's biological mother did the most insensitive thing any human being could do. If my sister was not told she was adopted could you imagine the emotions that would have surfaced?

Would it have killed my sister's adopted mother to hire a PI that would contact my sister to first see if she was adopted? Apparently it took about a year to find her. She could have easily paid another couple hundred for someone to talk to my sister and bring up the subject of adoption. In my experience an adopted child will openly share the fact they are adopted. My sister's adopted mother could have taken this further step to ensure she would not disrupt a family bond. She didn't. She is selfish and insensitive IMO.

To keep what was supposed to be a long story short, last Thanksgiving was the first holiday my sister spent with her new family. The decision was made by both my mother and my sister. If my sister wants to go to her adopted mother's house that is her free choice. She has chosen one over the other. A choise she never had to consider and I beleive would never place herself in the position to make by searching out her adopted parents.

My mother doesn't say it, but I can see it in her face. She is disappointed, upset, jeolous, angry. As someone else posted, a slap in the face. It is a slap in the face when the biological family waltzes in after 35+ years and is placed on the same ground as the adopted family. My sisters biological family is there for the graduations, birthdays, etc. I am cordial to them, that's it. Nothing more.

Why do I post this? Your situtation is different Gina. The child found you. The child you gave up wanted to find you, not the other way around. If someone reads this who is thinking about finding a child they gave up please consider the effect it will have on that child and their family. My experience is a parent finding a child they gave up for adoption is an emotional event for the biological mother and child. The harm comes in the relationships the child had formed in the biological parent's years of absence. I know my family has suffered.

[seawillow]

Best of luck Gina...I have 5 adopted kids and they all remember their birth parents with the exception of my little guy. He only remembers his foster parents who were wonderful people. If there comes a day when they want to get in touch with their birth parents, I will more than understand. I will not take it as a slap in the face because I am the person who they call "Mom". I would probably feel the same way....keep us posted on how everything goes:)

[tgreene]

...

[tgreene]

I am going to chime in, but from a very different perspective...

A year before my wife and I met, she had a baby girl and gave her up for adoption, because it was very much the right thing to do. Most importantly, she has never second guessed her decision!

{this is where it gets touchy}

I had always wanted children, but she didn't, and I finally accepted that.

After we were married, she contacted the adoption agency, just to make sure they had her updated name and address on file, and also inquired about having limited contact with the adoptive family... Since all parties had agreed, they began writing letters back and forth, and my wife was receiving pictures of the daughter that she gave birth to. Obviously, the letters were written in a very generic manner without the use of any contact info, and they always went through the adoption agency, to be forwarded on.

My wife was always so excited to receive the letters and pictures, because she was actually able to watch this child grow, but from a distance. I on the otherhand, found it to be heartbreaking, because I have no children, and yet so desperately wanted to have a child with my wife...

After quite some time, all "involved" parties had agreed to go a step further, and now be on a first name basis, and even sending her gifts on her birthday and holidays... This made things even worse for me, because my wife was now carrying pictures of "her daughter", and this daughter now had a name.

One night, I broke down and pleaded with her to make a choice. Either give me a child, or let the child she gave birth to, go... That was probably the most difficult thing I could have ever asked her to do, and it destroyed me to even broach the subject in that manner, but she agreed to let her go.

This has been several years ago, and while she agreed to not seek out the child (she will be 15 in June), she has kept her info updated at the agency, just in case this child desires to seek her when she becomes of age to do so.

I don't know whether anything I have written has any bearing on anything or not, but it is a 3rd person perspective of how others can be affected, especially the husbands.

[grostanzo]

The latest update.... We are going to go to Indiana on christmas day. I told the CI that all my family was still there and she told me that my daughter lives in Indiana and that if I came home for christmas to make sure and give her the phone numbers of where I could be reached. So, we have decided to go. She also said that she told Maria (my daughter) that if she didn't hear from the courts by christmas eve that a little birdy would probably drop a phone number in her lap. So, it looks like I will meet her the week of Christmas or at least right after christmas. I will admit I am so excited but, also I am very scared! I haven't been able to think about anything else ever since this happened. It is consuming me. Any more updates I will let you know.

[dc]

Well good luck! I know just how you feel. Another thing, be prepared for loss of brain power.:D I am probably the most talkative person in the world, but I swear for the first 2 hours of our first meeting, I couldn't think of a single thing to say!

[grostanzo]

Just a quick update.....we made contact last night and have exchanged pictures! Wow what a feeling i am experiencing right now. It appears promissing that we will have a relationship. We are going to talk more today later on.

Gina

[Aaron1100us]

Hello, I'd adopted and I have no idea on how to find my birth parents. Not sure if I really want to yet though, kinda scary. Anyone know of a free place that will help locate them? Good luck to you and I'm glad you two found each other.

[saltydad]

You can register with the International Soundex Reunion Registry. They can be contacted at www.isrr.net. I checked and if you Google "Iowa-Adoptions" a long list of resources appears. You definitely need to start by contacting a support group. Good luck.
Howard

[grostanzo]

For those of you interested, just got back from Indy last night.
I met my daughter on Sunday morning!
What a experience! Can't even be described. We both held on to each other and cried.
My father broke down when she hugged him. The last time I saw my father cry was when his mother died.

We talked for a couple of hours at dads then left for our family christmas.

Everyone was so happy to see her finally and alot of tears were shed. Very emotional!!

She loved meeting everyone and finally said for the first time that she felt as though she belong at a family function.

She looks just like a younger version of me. It is so unbelievable!

It looks as though we will be together forever now. But, I still have many regrets from the past. But, we have a future to look forward to.

Everything worked out better than I ever expected. I am glad the initial meeting is done with. I was so nervous and scared!

We will see each other next month when they come to DC.
Her husband is an airline pilot and has told us any time we want to come see them we can get a round trip ticket for 27 dollars. Wow, what a deal!! Looks like I am going to be a grandma soon. Can't wait!

Gina
P.S. Glad to be home though!

[seawillow]

Gina..I'm so glad everything worked out well for you...it must have been so thrilling!!! There is a pretty cool adoption forum online that you can join to get some support if you'd like. It's AdoptionForum.com. It covers all aspects of adoption including reunification. I joined recently, as I have 5 adopted kids. It's great to chat with other people in like situations...Best of luck in the future!!!! Cindy

[dc]

Sounds like it went great. :D I believe my son's wife went to Bighugs.com after watching something on TV. I just searched for adoption registry, and it took me to the same place.

[DiscoToo]

That is really awesome to hear. Wish you both the best.

[CrystalAZ]

Congratulations! I am very happy that the meeting went well and that this is the start of a lifelong relationship.

I wish you the best with your newly found daughter.

Crystal

[saltydad]

I want to wish you all the best for a wonderful relationship. May the New Year continue to burn brightly for you.
Howard