what would u guys do?... just a thought..

[Wind]

hey i was wondering what you guys would think or do..

here's the situation..

what would u guys do, if your bf/gf's grandparent passed away.... would u attend their funeral ? ...

i guess it seems to be a simple yes for some, initially.. but how bout seeing it in a different perspective...

won't u guys feel out of place in some respects.. i mean i dunno how to put it .... but like a friend's grandpa passed away.. he was in a care home, and i would be with my friend to visit him. although i don't even know him personally, haven't met him, but just seen him when my friend and i would visit him.. he passed away :( ... and my friend suggested me to attend his funeral, but i feel wierd in a sense that i am out of place and just awkward and wierd ....

till now i think people would seemingly still say yes i should go due to respects... but it's not like me to not respect, it's just that there are some conflicts i guess in terms of me and my friends family, and that i'd feel wierd .. they suggested and asked me to carry the coffin, since their family members couldn't... ii was just curiosu if others would see how i would see it, i dunno what beliefs others believe in, or superstitious or not, but is it wrong that i dont' go, if i feel wierd and uncomfortable about it?

i dunno i just feel wierd, although it seems like nothing to some. just curious what u'd guys think.... i think a lot of people would still suggest me to go, but i honestly feel out of place and wierd, but at the same time, i feel im obligated just so that to satisfy others in a sense.. i no wanna make it too long, but just curious what people here think...

[Wind]

i gotta admit im scared of death.. and stuffs such as those.. i guess im fragile and weak.....

[grostanzo]

If I had been with the person for awhile and they wanted me to go I would out of respect for my boyfriend. Especially if I knew the family well. And as far as carring the coffin, if there was not enough people in the family to help carry it, I would help with that also. It's ok to be afraid of death but, this is a part of our lives that we have to face several times before our own.

I think you should go. It'll be okay.

[Jerry W]

Agreed. If you're close to this person, go out of respect for them, particularly if they request it. With regards to being a pall bearer, it's an honor to be asked, plus you get to ride in a limo and be at the head of the motorcade and....!j/k

[crab0000]

I hate funerals more than anyone I know, but if a friend asked I would go out of respect for them. I also feel that being asked to be a pall bearer would be an honor and would do it. JMO
Steve

[BrianD]

You are not going for yourself, you are going to show respect. I think you are too worried about how you "feel". Sorry, this one isn't about you.

[edying]

Funerals are partially for the deceased, but just as much for those left behind. By attending, you pay respects to the deceased, but also support those that have sufferred a loss.

Your friend asked you to attend.. probably to provide support to him/her. This would be a difficult time for them - be a friend - attend the funeral.

-Ed

[quantim0]

I personally would attend. Even if i did not know the deceased that well, you know their family well. Like Ed said, the funeral is as much for the living as it is for the deceased. I would go to show that I care how the family of the deceased feels and that I am there to lend any assistance that would be necessary.

[wizardgus®]

My take on this is that going to a funeral is one of the most important duties you perform for friends. My belief is that it is never about the deceased. It's about care and comfort for those left behind. I've been to numerous funerals for people I had never met, but knew friends or family of the deceased. Be there for your friend. A hug from you, or your shoulder may be just the right thing at the right time.

It isn't fun, or easy. Especially if you're suppose to be a big, bad hardcore and you're sitting with tears in your eyes...but it's important.

[Jamesurq]

Is it catered?

Open or cash bar?

[daclozer]

If you really like the girl/guy, then you should go. Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the people still living. If you were asked by the other pewrson to go, it would probably mean a lot to them and also speak volumes for yourself and your character.

p.s. Jamesburq, most of the people in here are here for each other. Your remarks weren't funny and definately weren't necessary. If you wat to be a jerk, go on the Yahoo boards with the other trolls......

[Jamesurq]

daloser,

geez - lighten up.

Is it wrong for someone to chose to attend a social event based on the amenities offered at that event?

[Wind]

i see what u guys mean, and i think same, i guess its' hard to explain full details of everything on the board, cuz personal, but i agree that being there, and showing respect, and lending a hand when possible is a must ... well just part of me, but this one its different,..

the thing that gets to me, is guilt at times, like knowing i should go, but it just doesn't seem too right of me, and out of place for me... i unnno, but cultures may be different. and beliefs may be different .... its not to say that i disrespect any culture, beliefs or what not....

would u guys attend, if none of ur family knew u were attending, or even know why you'd feel down, wierd about this issue? .... sorry no wanna make it too complex.. but i agree to the responses..... and my thinking is the same, just a little thign on the side, i have attended funerals, but none where i atteneded in secrecy ... its not to say i'm bragging, but just to say that i do respect, and be there for families..... i no want people to get the idea that i'm that kind of the person, but this is the net right :o ..

thanks for all the responses... its nice to see people w/ caring thoughts and a warm heart..

.. please add more if u guys want to...

[BrianD]

I am really having a hard time following you. Perhaps more complete sentences and fewer "......." would help ;)

In any case, the last thing I would be worried about is how it "looked" for me to go. Not to be mean, but this is one of those times where the last thing you should be thinking of is yourself.

[sammystingray]

To date, I have never gone to a funeral for a person I didn't know, but unless a good amount of travel was involved, I'm sure I would go to a funeral with my fiance. To be completely honest, a lot of her family lives in Maine, and in those cases she will probably go with her family around here while I stay and take care of the pets and going to work. She's not real close with them though, and I wouldn't worry about her "falling apart".

In your case, I really honestly wouldn't want to carry the coffin, and that's just me. I would rather just kind of "blend in", but seriously, if there truly was no family or friends to do so, of course I would do it.

The more people that show up at a funeral, the less sad they are in a way. Being together with people at one kind of builds closer bonds sometimes as well......sometimes anyway.

Good luck with your decision.

[CrystalAZ]

I would ask your friend what THEY want you to do. If they want you to go, then go and just be there for your friend. Expect that he/she will be having some private conversations with family members while you are there and that you will be left sitting alone at times.

If your friend doesn't want you to go or leaves it up to you, maybe you can skip the funeral but go to dinner with your friend and his closest family members afterwards.

There are a lot of ways to handle this one. The most important part of it is whether he/she wants you to come. If so, you should put your feelings aside and go.

Crystal

[Aquaman]

i have attended funerals, but none where i atteneded in secrecy ... its not to say i'm bragging, but just to say that i do respect Hmmm, Seems much more to this than your saying, Im jumping way out on a limb here but is ethnic backgrounds have anything to do with this?

[grostanzo]

It looks like you need to give more details if you want us to give you an answer as to would we go or not. That decision is yours. If I really cared about the person and was involved with them and they asked me to go I would No matter what. They want you there for support. But, your posts are vague and don't give us the amount of information needed for a honest answer. I guess this is one you need to come to terms with yourself.

Good luck with your choice. I hope it's the right one for you.

Gina

[MarkS]

If you really, truely care or love your boyfriend/girlfriend, then the question would never come up. It would be along the lines of "When is the funeral?".

I went to my best friend's (not girlfriend) dad's funeral. I hardly knew him and he only spoke Spanish, so there was a communication barrier. I did not attend because I knew him or cared about him, but because I'm so close to his daughter and care for her a great deal. It was a no-brainer for me. I did not even feel obligated, I just knew I needed to be there for her and I was right. I don't regret the loss of my personal time or anything else one bit.

[Wind]

hey .. sorry for confusions and what not... i'll try clarify but forigve me if i don't get to it .

well my friends grandpa was in a care home, i had never spoken with him prior to seeing him in bed, i didn't even meet him till one day, she decided to take me there, he was in care home with everything hooked up, iv, tubes.. etc.. i dont even know exactly everything, he doesn't know who i am, but i just go there with my her on ocassional visits, and of course willingly go along, i give her time there, when at times i'm just there to be there as in with her, but there wasn't any contact of me and her grandpa... we go there and he is always sleeping and in bed :o .. i gaze at him and to be honest i get freaked out .... i guess alot of people are strong here, but to be honest it isn't for me, it was different, but i didn't mind or said anything, i came along each and everytime , even though it may seem wierd, but that isn't the point i guess... i unno what it's meant by love and care, and what not.. or if peopel going out really know what 'love' is. there isn't an exact definition right?, 2 weeks together equals to love?or 1 or 2 years? ... i dunno, just that i think sometimes actions mean more than just the word, if people love eachother and marry, why do they divorce?, is it cuz love means giving up... sorry... for vent or if it seems so... :o

i dunno how others will see, but in culture and custom of oriental cultures it may differ than western beliefs or traditions... they don't allow family members to carry the coffin, so they asked me, well her dad did through her, and she told me, and asked me, i felt wierd, and mixed feelings. i feel out of place since relations with her side of the family isn't the best and not the worst, but just didn't even get to know everyone... :o i feel out of place and would feel i dunno whether my presence there means anything but for her... i can honestly say if anything it is for her, and her grandma ... i feel sucky and wierd about it all, for some reason.. it seems selfish and awkward to some as a lot of the responses were honored and willing to go with no strings attached.. perhaps it is a custom thing.. i guess in my culture after attending something like that, a lot of oriental and asian cultues have beliefs like cleansings and what not. i'd feel different if i attended and family had no clue. i dunno if i should go too much into detail.. but just food for thought i guess with how different cultures and beliefs partake funerals.

my family doesn't know anything about me and her, and that's another thing in itself... it may seem awkard for others reading this.. and it seems ridiculed i know to some... i guess it's just a difference in cultures, beliefs, and what not.. i feel so guilty that if i attended and my family had no clue about it i would feel hurt, and what not... i'd feel i would be bringing something into my family that was unpure.. i'm not a really religious person, but i just follow cultures and custom ..

i don't think i am the selfish type to think of myself.. but i just hope at least i get a feel, at least an ear to hear me out.. u know, regardless.. i just hoped to discuss and see how others feel. i honestly feel out of place, and that it'd be wierd, i also feel that i'm not tied in deeply to an extent with her family, i dont even know if they will welcome me, isn't it bad to invite someone who isn't welcomed? ... there's a lot of things i guess, but i dont want to be misunderstood..

ya i dont mind explaining if others are willing to listen,, thanks.. sorry if i am unclear again or what not.. i think things just aren't simple right? and that its hard to sometimes transpose everything in text every detail and feeling.. she may be reading this as well.... but thanks a lot...for ur guy's idea.

[sammystingray]

If you are looking for someone to tell you it's perfectly fine not to go.....I will. Quite honestly, If I were in a relationship so new my parents didn't even know about it, I highly highly doubt I would carry that persons grandfathers coffin, and most probably I wouldn't go. In a way it seems weird that a new relationships father would ask me to carry the coffin when I don't even know the family much at all. If you are with someone for an extended period of time, it's different, but if we are talking together for a month, then I do highly doubt I would carry the coffin. As previously stated, some would, some wouldn't, and some couldn't be sure until it actually happens. Cultures do seem to play a role, and even as close as Kentucky, it is perfectly accepted that my family down there has graveyards right behind their house for family to be buried after a funeral given right inside the home. It doesn't work like that up here in Cleveland. Anyway, it's all up to you, and you could never really go into enough details in a post to give us the whole story from every angle which would be your reality. If it were me and my meat world, then no, I would not go, but in my life it wouldn't be a big deal, your results may be very different if you did the same thing I would. Perhaps you should talk to the friend about this instead of us. You are not really going to base important decisions on a fish board are you?:)

Seriously, good luck.

[Wind]

.. thanks for all the responses, ideas, and input...

fish boards have sensible people who care :P ;) ... i rather post here than some other boards i visit, i guess hanging around here i've gotten a feel that this is just a bit more than a community for fish, there's people here who take their problems and discuss with others, and people have given good input, as well as different perspective.. hehe
thanks.. to everyone ..

[sammystingray]

Hey wind, I do find that the "fish boards" generally have a collective IQ average I would guess at around 40 points higher than the general public at the very least. No kidding at all. It's kind of funny the strange questions you can ask on these boards and someone always has the answer. Faceless diversity and intelligence together in good numbers really. It's a beautiful thing.

[pnosko]

Originally posted by Jamesurq
Is it wrong for someone to chose to attend a social event based on the amenities offered at that event? If that social event is a funeral, it would reveal (to me) that you couldn't care less about the friend that asked you to come. Whether that is wrong is for you to decide.

[joeychitwood]

My opinion:

If asked to be a pallbearer, consider it an honor and accept the invitation.

Another thing to consider is that sadly, many very elderly people just don't have that many friends or acquaintances left, and they might really need your help as a pallbearer.

If you are afraid that going to the funeral might give this GF/BF the wrong idea about your level of commitment to him/her, that is something to discuss outside of the funeral situation. Going to a funeral is a sign of respect, not necessarily as sign of increasing love or commitment for a GF/BF.

I'd go. If you choose not to be a pallbearer, you might wish to sit in the general section, not with the family.

[Aquaman]

they don't allow family members to carry the coffin, so they asked me, well her dad did through her, and she told me, and asked me Then you should feel honored that you were asked to carry their family member to his final resting place. Yes it might feel weird, out of place, perhaps not right in your custom, but they most likely would not have asked you if they did not hold you in high regard.

As to the fact your family doesnt know about her. This is not about your family, or what they feel or believe. Someone who cares about you whether that person is a girlfriend or just a friend has asked you to do them a favor. Your family should be proud that you have been asked.

i'd feel i would be bringing something into my family that was unpure.. This feeling seems more from the fact that this family is oriental and yours is not. (guessing here) Every culture is different, Perticipating in another cultures tradition does not in any way affect your familys honor, believe or religion.

The only two questions you should be asking is;
When is the funeral, and what you want me to wear.

[Wind]

just a update i guess.. if anyone else is following this.. but ya..

i attended the funeral today, deeply all along i knew it was the best thing, and right thing for me to do, well instinct wise, i think the surface feelings pulled me away, so i just decided to post in the lounge for curiosity reasons, ... i sat afar gazing, and watching... anyhow.. just to update..

but i was glad i went.... just to let everyone know..

thanks r/c, everyone who replied, read, and those who listen..

thanks....!! :smurf: