crp
12/18/2007, 05:02 PM
1. About carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later
than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Years. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can
before becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going
to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is
just around the corner
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later
than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Years. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can
before becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going
to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is
just around the corner