Funny joke

[lusenut2]

I thought I would share

Bed sheets
>
> An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
> last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
>
> Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
> latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
> diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
>
> In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
> sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
>
> A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
> started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
> the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
> pile at his feet.
>
> As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
> sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and
> who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is
> going on here?"
>
> The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out
> of a ghost."
>


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

[cowboyswife]

LOL That is great!!!

I found this one yesterday and it made me laugh :D
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y239/beccabowden/9d86824ac527ec63739fee09c533b465.jpg

[InLimbo87]

Lol!!! those are great. Here's another:

So a group of seniors are sitting around in the senior center talking of the woes of being old and how they can hardly do anything well anymore.

The first old guy says,
"I'm telling you my eyesight is shot! I can't see past my hand! I need help just reading the newspaper!"

The second senior pipes in,
"Yes I know what you mean. I can barely hear a thing anymore. I have to bring somebody with me when I go to the doctor even, or I can't understand what he's saying."

The third says,
"Yeah and I can't even turn my head. I mean I can't even turn it to the side, much less look behind my shoulder!"

The fourth guy says,
"No kidding! Besides all that, I have no reflexes. I can't even get out of my own way anymore".

The fifth senior pipes in and says,
"Thank God we can all still drive!"

[lusenut2]

lol lol. Thats funny. We need to keep a thread like this open, so everyone can get a good laugh each day.

[MIKE ALERS]

those are funny.keep them coming.maybe i'll learn some jokes.

[InLimbo87]

<a href=showthread.php?s=&postid=11048533#post11048533 target=_blank>Originally posted</a> by lusenut2
lol lol. Thats funny. We need to keep a thread like this open, so everyone can get a good laugh each day.

Yes lets keep it going! We really need the comic relief in here sometimes, eh? :lol:

[Dragon68]

Those are GREAT i needed a good laugh!!!!!!!!!
Thanks and keep them coming

Tony

[cowboyswife]

Edited for content :D

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y239/beccabowden/2.jpg

[thor32766]

now thats awesome!

[cowboyswife]

Cyanide and Happiness is the crudest but most hilarious comic ever!!

[dugg]

A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"


An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[Pterodactyl]

Very cute Dugg.

[lifesworksataol]

haha - all very funny, thanks :D

[cschweitzer]

I still like the joke in my signature...short, sweet, and relatively on topic. Look down and you will see it.

[WingnutSr]

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.



http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h192/johnwojcik/cid_000b01c814bc3ac782e00300a8c0GT5.jpg

[Pterodactyl]

HEEEE HEEEEE HEEE. Good one John.

[JUICEY]

Three guys - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an American engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada " POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Israel , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."


The American engineer sits down, cracks a Bud Lite, smiles and says,
"Fill it with water..........."


~D

[bigginapk]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy.................go gitcha momma..............."

[dugg]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”


Why don’t sharks like to eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!

[surfjeepzx]

I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

[dugg]

I would have peed in the floor right there in line LOL.

[MIKE ALERS]

:rollface: :rollface: :rollface: ...me and my wife are here dying.thats too funny.thx surfer for the diet plan:D

[WingnutSr]

A couple was invited to a Swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.


Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.


Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: '- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
- 'Did you dance much?'


- 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..

[surfjeepzx]

"The Headache"

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad
new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure
creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove
the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Bill laughed, "That's right, how you knew?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Bill tried on the
suit..
It fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new
shirt?"

Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck."

Bill was surprised, "That's right, how you knew?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"

Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell
of a headache."

New suit - $400

new shirt - $36

new underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[surfjeepzx]

Sheep

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and died brown.



A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.



Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"



The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde
thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."



This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally
amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."



The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.



When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have
a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?"

[surfjeepzx]

Lawsuit

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing
the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"



"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.



"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?



"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?



"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all
the ugly women I've slept with ?"

[surfjeepzx]

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[surfjeepzx]

Car Accident

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 mph, will you take off all your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriends stuck!!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far!!!!!"

[surfjeepzx]

There is this blond woman hauling *** down the highway in a BMW. Without ever noticing she swishes past a state trooper parked along the side of the road. The trooper flips on the lights and the chase is on.

Eventually the blond in the BMW notices the trooper behind her and pulls over. A female trooper gets out of the car and is soon standing next to the drivers window asking for her drivers license and proof of insurance. The blond reaches over to the passengers seat and hoists up this huge purse and commences to dig toward the bottom looking for her drivers license. After about 5 minutes of digging the female cop says "If you cant find your license do you have anything with your picture on it to identify yourself?" The blond then goes back into the oversized purse and comes up with her makeup compact, opens it up and sees herself in it and then passes it to the trooper "This has my picture on it" she says...

The trooper takes the compact from her and opens it up and looks into it, pauses for a few seconds and then said "well, it you had just identified yourself as a police officer I wouldnt have pulled you over" hands her the compact and walks back to her police car....

[surfjeepzx]

Cowboy Meets Indian Herding Sheep...



Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)

Dog:"Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)


Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian).

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)


Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."

[surfjeepzx]

Two Blondes With Hammers.. Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over
her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into,
asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I
pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong
end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You
moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[surfjeepzx]

UPSET WIFE

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a
very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!"

And he replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless th at I took
pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not
well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the
ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear
just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive
boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 'Please..... ..do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"

[surfjeepzx]

Summer Campers

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see? '
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and
we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo poop...... It means someone stole the tent .'

[surfjeepzx]

Just Take Me To Jail

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south
of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the
performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the
rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my *** to jail, cause
there's no way I can pass that test."

[surfjeepzx]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

[surfjeepzx]

SKINNY DIPPING

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up with nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some
apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

...Some old men can still think fast.

[surfjeepzx]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK



I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:



A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.



As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."



I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my

selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.



Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[surfjeepzx]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder At midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to Be getting home is this?
Where have you been?"
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, heWent and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable
sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a
stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

[surfjeepzx]

Country Style
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, heck, you win. Keep the duck."

[surfjeepzx]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked
the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolm an on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Besie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the heck would you say?

[surfjeepzx]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[surfjeepzx]

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

''So, you've been out drinking again!!''

''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.

''The pub called...you left your wheelchair again.''

[surfjeepzx]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely pooped my pants."

[surfjeepzx]

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[surfjeepzx]

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Judi xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

[surfjeepzx]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

[surfjeepzx]

OK, I said I was done, but it's almost tomorrow anyway but I found this one funny:


The main call routing menu for a psychiatric help hotline:

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

f you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[surfjeepzx]

BRAGGING RIGHTS...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in! the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[cur10u5g30rg3]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes , " whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No .

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

[cowboyswife]

Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
*I don't even eat hot dogs and this bothers me.

Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
*Good question...I don't think that blind people drive

EVER WONDER....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
*I can close my mouth

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all of your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
*Because they are all rushing home?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while

[dugg]

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

[dugg]

Prescription For Love
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[InLimbo87]

:lol: love that last one dugg :lol:

[dugg]

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

[dugg]

A little guy is sitting at a counter eating breakfast. A big guy walks in and hits the little guy.

"That's a judo chop from Japan," he says, and then walks into the bathroom. The little guy gets up and sits back down to finish his breakfast. The big guy comes back out of the bathroom and hits the little guy again.

"That's a karate chop from Korea," he says. The little guy gets up and leaves the diner. The big guy sits down and orders breakfast.

As he starts to eat, the little guy comes running back through the door and knocks the big guy out. He looks at the waitress and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a tire iron from Sears."

[sunkool]

Grandma



The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...









"They won't let me fart."