Nina...

[Nina51]

gary is resting, john is with him and i just needed to take a long walk so i came up to the office. christy, i would LOVE to tell you...

gary and 2 of his brothers had their own vinyl siding business. when i was married, we hired them to put siding on our house. that would have been, ohhh, 30+ years ago. in the early 80's, gary moved his business to south carolina. he would occasionally come back to visit nana.

i used to run into his brother, rod, often. he lived in the same town as i did. i would always ask him how gary was doing. he would tell me he was fine and say it was strange that i would ask because when gary called home, he often asked rod how *I* was doing and did he ever see me.

when ron and i split up, i moved to the city 20 miles away. i went to an auction every friday night and bought stuff to furnish my new apartment. at one of these auctions, i spotted this guy who looked very familiar. i made it a point to bump into him before the night was over. you gotta know the meffords, they are all huggers. i got a big bear hug and an invitation for a cup of coffee.

turns out, gary was just home visiting nana and was leaving to go back to south carolina in a few days. that one cup of coffee turned into two cups of coffee and then three and we fell head over heels in love. after about 3 weeks, he told me he couldn't stand the thought of leaving and he decided to stay. i think it was about 2 days later when he moved his tool belt into my apartment and we have been joined at the hip ever since.

eleven wonderful years, we have not exchanged so much as a single cross word, not a day goes by that we don't say "i love you". even now, when he is barely conscious, i tell him and he says it back. most times, it's just a weak whisper but i hear it and that's all that matters.

i don't know why but today, it seems that a calm has come over me. i think i have accepted the fact that soon, i will be alone with only my memories of the happiest time of my life. just a few short days ago, i would look around our farm and i would get so sad when i saw all of the projects we worked on together...the big flower garden, the patio with the fire ring we so enjoyed, the bird feeding stations we worked so hard on together, the hot tub on the deck that i can't see myself ever using again, my collection of breyer horses that sits on the shelves that gary made for me because HE kept bringing those darn things home and we just plain ran out of room to display them, the cabinet that he built out of old barn siding that houses many of our collectibles, the hitching post gary built for tuffy the very first summer we lived there. i could list a million things and every single one of them is unique and precious to me. and, every single one of them is inscribed in some way with the date it was made and the words "gary loves nina". but now, i look at all of that and i am SO glad i have it because every square inch is a blessed memory for me.

emily, i have often thought the same thing when i have seen people speak at the funeral of a loved one. when gary's brother spoke at his own son's funeral, i could not imagine the strength it took just for him to put one foot in front of the other, let alone give an eloquent eulogy. you would be surprised to feel the strength that comes from within at times like this. oh, i'll break down many more times, every day but i have known the love of this man and that is something nobody can ever take away from me and i know his love will keep me going even when his body leaves me.

oh, i have to tell you this...gary barely speaks above a whisper now. he kept trying to tell me something tonight. i couldn't make it out and asked him several times to repeat it. i think he was getting frustrated. he finally patted the space on the bed next to him and said "get IN here!" we had a nice cuddle before his shot kicked in and he was in lalaland.

g'night everybody, i'm headin' back to the hospital.

love to all and thanks for letting me ramble!

[Muttling]

Hospice care is really really good. You don't get nurses that are just there for a paycheck, it takes a very special personality to do that job. What's more, they take those special personalities and give them special training to make outstanding nurses.

They are extremely compassionate for your situation and they have a lot of training on how to do their job in a very compassionate manner.



Between you, the family, and the nurses.......Gary is in the best of care during the most frightening of times.

So long as he is not in pain, the brief lingering is likely to be a very good thing. It lets him realize all the love that he is blessed with and gives his loved ones time to say goodbye. This is the way my father left us and it was very hard, but I feel extremely blessed for the opportunities we were given.

[Ritten]

Nina, you should write I got so caught up in that story. Well told.

[catdoc]

Ramble away, what you two have is so beautiful that I can never tire of hearing it. Bless you both, you've reminded how much to cherish every moment and continue to be an inspiration.

[fishyvet]

Nina, I haven't frequented the lounge often until recently and I have felt awkward posting in such intimate threads. Your posts and the outpouring of love from your lounge family has brought me to tears. I can feel the deep connection you have with Gary and the idea of loosing someone so close has my heart aching for you. You two have a beautiful love story. I wish you both peace and comfort during your final moments together. Your strength and poise is amazing and truly inspirational.

My thoughts are with you.

[otolith]

Warm Hugs coming your way from the two of us.

[mano]

What a great story Nina! Thanks for sharing it with all of us. You two really had a great relationship and a bond so strong that it will never be broken. I wish you and your family the best and I hope you can all share your great times and memories of Gary and enjoy every second you get with him.

[Aliie]

Some how I pictured something like that for you and Gary. A soulmate is a precious gift that can't be stopped. Nice to hear that you two were cuddling, I bet it felt good to him to have you so close. Thanks for sharing the beginning of the love story with us.

[coyoteseven]

Hi Nina!

Just found out yesterday about Gary and from my heart to yours:


May the Creator bless you both and together, may you find peace and comfort in His loving embrace.


My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Peace, joy and love,

Larry

[JR719]

Nina,

I've been staring at this screen for I don't know how long thinking of what to say. I cannot seem to put thoughts and emotions into comforting words.

I am truly sorry to hear the news. If there is anything I can help with, please let me know.

[dkh0331]

A beautiful story Nina.

Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

Our love is with you and Gary!

[TheBimbo]

Nina thank you bunches for sharin' your story... By far one of theee best ones yet ... I just had to find out how you met such a wonderful man...



Christy

[jenlovesty]

Hugs and prayers going out to you and your family.

[Nina51]

good morning loungers! i am home for 2 or 3 hours, i need a little "normalcy" so i'm gonna go out and chase horse turds, kick the ball for the dogs a few times, clean the bathroom and run the vacuum...all things i haven't been able to do since last week. nana and gary's sister are sitting with him while i am gone.

gary's doing well. he's in no pain. this morning at 4:30 a.m., he woke up when the nurse came in to take his vitals and give him his pain shot. he smiled at her and asked for a hug and i said HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME??? so, i got a hug too. his voice was strong and for a few moments, he seemed to know exactly what was going on. it only takes about 5 minutes before the shot takes effect and he was soon back to sleep. i swear when he smiles, he lights up the room!

we are waiting to hear back from the hospice doctor with his recommendations for pain control medicine to use when we bring him home. dr. ansari hopes we can switch him to something that won't involve a needle which would make it easier on us but if that doesn't work, they will put in a subcutaneous needle and hook him to a pump that will deliver the dilaudid.

dr. ansari also told me that the MRI gary had recently indicated some lumbar changes so i think that probably means the cancer has invaded his spine. this alone makes pain management even more critical but i am satisfied that they will give him what he needs.

all for now, tuffy is banging his bucket! more later...XOXOXO

[Murdock5150]

I was away for the weekend so I didn't see this thread until now. I must admit that I got teary-eyed reading through all of the posts. I hope that in my lifetime someone will love me even HALF as much as you love him. I would feel blessed...

[emilye2]

Nina-have you spoken to Dr. Mink yet? I assume he's been updated somehow. I'm glad that Gary is comfortable and that you are able to have a bit of time to yourself.

[Nina51]

no em, i have not talked to dr. mink. he is aware of gary's fall because i talked to his nurse last week about the new chemo drug dr. mink intended to start at the end of this month.

dr. ansari mentioned yesterday that he will call dr. mink and advise him so i will leave that up to him.

i did call the nurses at the infusion unit where gary took his first 9 months of chemo treatments. they grew so close to him and we often e-mailed back and forth after he stopped going there. these are the nurses who sent him the most beautiful floral arrangement for his birthday last year. they were so sad to hear of recent events and offered their prayers.

i've had my horse turd fix, played ball with the dogs, cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen (john came out here and cooked last night OY VEY!!!) and i vacuumed and sprayed carpet freshener. we had a wicked rain storm yesterday and that wet-dog-smell hit me in the face the second i opened the door. EWWWW!!!!!

i'm on my way back to the hospital. will check in again tonight or tomorrow morning. hey murdock, that is my hope for you, too. when you do find it, there's no mistaking it.

love to everybody! xoxoxo
nina

[Ritten]

Thanks for checking in Nina! That means a lot to us. John cooked for you last night? What a sweetheart, that boy sure loves his momma! Continued prayers for you, Gary and the whole family.

[Tarkus70]

Still keeping up the prayers here.

[petoonia]

Love, and prayers sent!!!!

[nk57]

Thanks for checking in Nina. I get worried when we don't hear from you!

Nancy

[crp]

Originally posted by Nina51
i don't know why but today, it seems that a calm has come over me.

he finally patted the space on the bed next to him and said "get IN here!" we had a nice cuddle before his shot kicked in and he was in lalaland.

So nice to hear. Hugs and prayers your way, always.

[Hattie B]

what a wonderful story.. You are lucky to have asked for that cup of coffee.. =)

Best today, I will be thinking about you both.

[MandM]

I'm sure they will be able to send Gary home with pain control that you can manage. There are a lot of options. The hospice staff are truly angels. They were so helpful when we were dealing with my father-in-law's illness.

Thanks for checking in with us, we're here for you (and there with you).

[fat-tony]

Just got through the pages....thinking of you guys!!!