Funny joke

[lusenut2]

I thought I would share

Bed sheets
>
> An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
> last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
>
> Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
> latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
> diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
>
> In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
> sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
>
> A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
> started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
> the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
> pile at his feet.
>
> As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
> sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and
> who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is
> going on here?"
>
> The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out
> of a ghost."
>


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

[cowboyswife]

LOL That is great!!!

I found this one yesterday and it made me laugh

[InLimbo87]

Lol!!! those are great. Here's another:

So a group of seniors are sitting around in the senior center talking of the woes of being old and how they can hardly do anything well anymore.

The first old guy says,
"I'm telling you my eyesight is shot! I can't see past my hand! I need help just reading the newspaper!"

The second senior pipes in,
"Yes I know what you mean. I can barely hear a thing anymore. I have to bring somebody with me when I go to the doctor even, or I can't understand what he's saying."

The third says,
"Yeah and I can't even turn my head. I mean I can't even turn it to the side, much less look behind my shoulder!"

The fourth guy says,
"No kidding! Besides all that, I have no reflexes. I can't even get out of my own way anymore".

The fifth senior pipes in and says,
"Thank God we can all still drive!"

[lusenut2]

lol lol. Thats funny. We need to keep a thread like this open, so everyone can get a good laugh each day.

[MIKE ALERS]

those are funny.keep them coming.maybe i'll learn some jokes.

[InLimbo87]

Originally posted by lusenut2
lol lol. Thats funny. We need to keep a thread like this open, so everyone can get a good laugh each day.

Yes lets keep it going! We really need the comic relief in here sometimes, eh?

[Dragon68]

Those are GREAT i needed a good laugh!!!!!!!!!
Thanks and keep them coming

Tony

[cowboyswife]

Edited for content

[thor32766]

now thats awesome!

[cowboyswife]

Cyanide and Happiness is the crudest but most hilarious comic ever!!

[dugg]

A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"


An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[Pterodactyl]

Very cute Dugg.

[lifesworksataol]

haha - all very funny, thanks

[cschweitzer]

I still like the joke in my signature...short, sweet, and relatively on topic. Look down and you will see it.

[WingnutSr]

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

[Pterodactyl]

HEEEE HEEEEE HEEE. Good one John.

[JUICEY]

Three guys - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an American engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada " POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Israel , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."


The American engineer sits down, cracks a Bud Lite, smiles and says,
"Fill it with water..........."


~D

[bigginapk]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy.................go gitcha momma..............."

[dugg]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”


Why don’t sharks like to eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!

[surfjeepzx]

I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

[dugg]

I would have peed in the floor right there in line LOL.

[MIKE ALERS]

...me and my wife are here dying.thats too funny.thx surfer for the diet plan

[WingnutSr]

A couple was invited to a Swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.


Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.


Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: '- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
- 'Did you dance much?'


- 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..

[surfjeepzx]

"The Headache"

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad
new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure
creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove
the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Bill laughed, "That's right, how you knew?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Bill tried on the
suit..
It fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new
shirt?"

Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck."

Bill was surprised, "That's right, how you knew?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"

Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell
of a headache."

New suit - $400

new shirt - $36

new underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[surfjeepzx]

Sheep

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and died brown.



A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.



Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"



The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde
thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."



This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally
amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."



The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.



When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have
a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?"