is it morbid to plan your own funeral?

Nina51 · #1 02/10/2005, 08:46 PM

seriously, my dad did this and when he passed away 10 years ago, it made it so much easier for the family. we abided by his wishes and it was comforting to know we were doing exactly what he wanted.

me, i gotta have bagpipers at my funeral. and horses. and dogs and llamas. if i go before my animals, i want my animals there when they sprinkle my ashes over the alfalfa field in front of my house.

music, i wonder if bagpipers can play old cowboy songs? i have several picked out that i want played at my funeral. they are to end it with "happy trails".

i want a party to end all parties. i want people to celebrate my life, not mourn my death. not that i plan on going any time soon but then again, that really isn't up to me.

my mom is giving me a hard time about this. i know if i don't have it in writing, i will end up with a boring catholic mass (no offense to anybody), and funeral music played on that God awful organ (the one with the pipes, ya know!?) and people sobbing and saying "ohhh she looks SOOOO GOOD!!"...

am i being morbid?? i really wanna do this so i can rest in peace when the time comes and i won't have to spend all my time coming back to haunt the people who planted me in the ground against my wishes.

AJP · #2 02/10/2005, 08:52 PM

I have told my wife that I do not want a funeral, I wish to be cremated and have my ashes spread where ever she chooses (kind of like in The Big Lebowski). I then want her to take the money she saves from not having a funeral and go on a nice vacation, or throw a huge party, or maybe get some fancy diamonds.

dc · #3 02/10/2005, 08:53 PM

Not at all. My parents have their plots paid for. Dan's Mother had burial insurance. Paid for everything, and money left over. You definitely need a will for this, and make someone you trust as the executor.

hpmcbroom · #4 02/10/2005, 09:05 PM

Now a days it's a very practical thing to do . The last thing I want to do is burden my family with would he want this or that . When mourning my death . I told my family my wishes and they respect it more importantly they'll do it . I want to be cremated and thrown in the nearest body of water just not the sink or the toilet . There's a river that leads to the gulf of mexico and I would like to be thrown in there since it'll lead to gulf and I can't think of a better way to go than to help be a part of the water ecosystem and new life . JMO don't mean to offend anyone . Now ya know my two cents

Mini4x · #5 02/10/2005, 09:13 PM

My mom just bought a plot.. I'm skeeved out..

mike4271 · #6 02/10/2005, 09:16 PM

is it morbid to plan your own funeral?

Only if you are already dead

Sierra · #7 02/10/2005, 09:23 PM

not morbid at all - its a smart thing that people do.

Everyone will eventually die - and its a responsible move to plan ahead for the sake of your family and friends in addition to your own comfort as you pass, knowing that you've made the arrangements you felt would honor you in the way you wanted.

I only hope That the people in my life that are nearing their passing will have some guidelines to help me and my family make their funeral and dispersment of their estate go smoothly - and of course according to their wishes.

My mother in law is getting very close - she refuses to go to the dr and refuses to make any will or plan - she has an "estate" that will likely cause the person left in charge to go bankrupt - I pray she faces reality and at least tries to make a responsible plan or a few general guidelines we can follow to honor her memory.

skippy2 · #8 02/10/2005, 09:25 PM

My parents planned their funerals over 20 yrs. ago. It is definately a help to us. This way they are getting exactly what they want. No arguements between my sister and I. It will be like it always is: my mother always says her way is the right way and we better do what she says. It's not really that bad but pretty damn close.
I had to rush my Dad to the hospital last Fri. He had a bad reaction to the coumidan he has taken for over 2 yrs. He was bleeding out. He started feeling ill on Wens. and by Fri. morning he started rectal bleeding and nose bleeding. By the time he got to the hospital his kidneys were failing.
The reason I said all this is that the hospital had me bring in his 'living will' that also has a noterized DNR. That was when I lost it. The hospital said it is the law if a person is 18 or over to have this paper.
I brought my Dad home today in realitivly good health for being 85. Next week I take my Mom in for ekg and stress test for her heart because she needs stomache surgery because of a hiatel hernia.
After rambling about what is happening here, yes, you need to plan your own funeral. You also need to right your own obiturary if you want it written the way you want it. My parents have also done this. And, write a list of people and phone numbers of the people you want notified. As far as spreading one's ashes there are laws about where you can do this. We spread my brother's ashes in Lake Michigan where it is against the law but that is what he wanted so that is what we did.

Scarlett · #9 02/10/2005, 09:26 PM

No, Sweetie, it's not morbid. It's very practical and thoughtful of you to want to make things easier. My hubby wants to be cremated and put in a box, but he wants me to put googly eyes on the box. I can forsee the future. I'll be the crazy old lady in the neighborhood that has 80 cats and carries her dead husband around in a box with googly eyes.

Nina51 · #10 02/10/2005, 10:12 PM

thanks for the replies.

dc, just a thought here...this should be done in a document separate from a will. lots of times, the will isn't read until after burial. by then it's too late.

i do, in fact, have my obit already written. i plan to put my arrangements down on paper. that way, if i go before my mom, she'll have to just bite the bullet and ride a horse to my memorial service.

skippy, glad your dad is doing better. hope your mom will be okay!

so, since it seems that many people have thought about this, does anybody besides me have any ummm...shall we call them "unusual" requests? mr. nina and my best friends understand my feelings about my critters. that's another one my mom just can't grasp. gee, i'm really gonna hate to miss it. it would be a treat to see the look on mom's face when she's sharing her sorrow with my left-behind furkids.

KT & SJ · #11 02/11/2005, 12:22 AM

I haven't thought about mine yet, but my grandmother made me promise to take her ashes along with my grandfathers to Wyoming and spread them about our favorite camping spot. I get so depressed when she reminds me.

rvitko · #12 02/11/2005, 12:54 AM

I would just be sure and get a plot for everyone and take out a big policy on them. That sort of thing helps keep them in line.

CrystalAZ · #13 02/11/2005, 01:20 AM

Planning your funeral as far as expenses, casket/cremation choices, plots, etc... that isn't morbid and is very thoughtful to your family. Putting it in writing and paying for it ahead of time is smart.

BUT... saying you want people to act a certain way (celebrate vs. mourn) and that certain music be played, and that your animals be there... well... I understand the emotion behind it, but remember that your funeral isn't for you. It is for those you leave behind.

Asking those who love you most to laugh and have fun when saying goodbye to you, and asking someone to watch over your animals and make accomodations for them at the funeral, I think that is a bit much (just my opinion - and believe me, I am a bigtime animal lover).

I think if you love bagpipes and want to hear a bagpiper (???) play old cowboy songs, hire one now! Why not enjoy it while you are here to listen to it?

I want to be cremated. I have let my husband and family know this many times. But as for what type of service they want to have, I leave that up to them. Whatever makes them feel better.

Crystal

jdieck · #14 02/11/2005, 01:41 AM

Morbid will be to plan your death not your funeral IMO.

bmcelhinn · #15 02/11/2005, 02:07 AM

God, I want mine planned out but I don't want to PLAN it out if you get my drift.

Recently my best friend's father commited suicide. This guy taught me how to play cards and it was devastating when it happened. I used to hang out at his house when I was in high school and stay there for weeks at a time with my friend. Anyways, he always had it together so you wouldn't have expected it from him EVER.

Well, Friday October 3rd 2004 he called my friend who was out of town and was checking in with him (his son) and he said they should get together monday when he gets back. 15 minutes later he hung himself. 1 week later I was at his funeral and it was terrible. Nobody spoke, the whole thing just seemed thrown together at the last minute and just made me sick. I at least wanted to stand up and speak my peace with him and give a few words to the family but his son and I had gotten into some trouble and some of his family didn't like us hanging out years back and that's the last time I was around him, so I didn't want to be the one to give any last words at the funeral. I did get a picture framed for a memorial for my friend and wrote a letter on the back in remembrance. But I still feel bad about that, I don't want to go out with a funeral like that, I'd rather have closure to my death when it comes. God forbid...

skippy2 · #16 02/11/2005, 09:45 AM

While we are discussing last wishes, everyone should be discussing with their families about organ donations. You can sign all the donor cards you want but in the long run it is up to your family to decide when the time is right.
My brother died during surgery for his 2nd liver transplant. The first transplant gave him 20 months longer with me and family.

Nina51 · #17 02/11/2005, 10:57 AM

excellent point skippy!! sorry to hear about your brother.

i have been an organ donor since, well, forever. my dad wanted so much to donate his organs but because he had leukemia, he was not a candidate for donating.

i am a firm believer.

ReeferMac · #18 02/11/2005, 11:01 AM

The stress and pressure it will remove from your remaining relatives will be well worth any morbidity you have to deal w/. It will be greatly appreciated. Wifey knows what to do w/ me when my day comes, but it's a lot better to have notarized and in a safe place somewhere's.
I'd suspect a funeral home would be more than willing to help you on the matter (assuming they're getting the future business).

- Mac

Muttling · #19 02/11/2005, 11:24 AM

My dad died of sqamous cell lung cancer just over a year ago. He had been diagnosed for 1 year and it didn't take long to figure out that his chances weren't good.

He made all his own arrangements including donating his body for scientific research and asking for donations to charity instead of flowers. (Several thousand was give to the American Cancer Association in his memory.)

It was SO much easier knowing exactly what his final wishes were and it helpful to be able to do one last thing for him by carrying out his wishes instead of trying to determine what his wishes would have been.

dc · #20 02/11/2005, 11:47 AM

Crystal brings up a good point. It is for the living. They may not be able to follow your wishes. I know we used to tell our kids when we died to just put us in a pine box. But when our daughter died, we just couldn't do it. Everything we ever thought changed. Of course I did threaten to get a pink one, as she always told me "Mom, I don't do pink!" I didn't do that either.

Flanders · #21 02/11/2005, 12:31 PM

I agree with Crystal. If everyone hates bagpipes but you, then bagpipes at your funeral don't make much sense, just as an example.

budhaboy · #22 02/11/2005, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Flanders
I agree with Crystal. If everyone hates bagpipes but you, then bagpipes at your funeral don't make much sense, just as an example.

actually it DOES make sense- true funerals ARE for the people you leave behind, BUT by planning out something like that, you are leaving a last, final set of memories- memories of who you were and what you loved.

Habib · #23 02/11/2005, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by budhaboy
actually it DOES make sense- true funerals ARE for the people you leave behind, BUT by planning out something like that, you are leaving a last, final set of memories- memories of who you were and what you loved.

IMO, not only that. It can make for family much easier to arrnage it as fas as necessary and they dont have to discuss if the passed away one would have liked it this way or that way.

If you want to hear a true morbid story then let me know it.

Flanders · #24 02/11/2005, 03:42 PM

Habib, tell us a morbid story! I want to hear it. If you don't want to post it then you're welcome to pm me.

Quote:

Originally posted by budhaboy
actually it DOES make sense- true funerals ARE for the people you leave behind, BUT by planning out something like that, you are leaving a last, final set of memories- memories of who you were and what you loved.

I see your point, but it could also be seen as one last attempt to control the lives of people you care for, even in death. I guess whether people view it that way depends on what kind of person you are. But if you would respect that a lot of people dislike, for example, bagpipes in life, then it only makes sense to respect it after you are dead. JMO.

Nina51 · #25 02/11/2005, 04:08 PM

who couldn't love bagpipes???

we had a piper play at my dad's funeral. actually, it was at the graveside service. my dad adored bagpipe music. nobody knew my sister and i had arranged it. one lone piper walked up over a hill, as if coming out of nowhere, playing "amazing grace". trust me, there was not a dry eye to be seen anywhere in that cemetery. it was awesome. my dad loved it, of this i am sure.

i've heard it said that funerals are for the living. i disagree. the people who count the most to me know that the most important things in my life are not money, jewelry, fancy oak caskets. they are my music, my animals, my sense of humor. those are the things i want to be remembered for. so, if it causes the living a little inconvenience to honor my last wishes, so be it. i've been inconvenienced myself a few times and i got over it.

dc, i am sorry to know you lost a child. this has to be the ultimate sadness. mr. nina has lost two young nephews in the past 3 years. as i watched their parents grieve, i could not imagine the pain. i have nothing but admiration for those who have been through it. i don't know if i could survive it.