A thread for us

Ritten · #1 12/01/2007, 04:03 PM

I thought it wouldn't hurt to have a thread for those of us that are feeling so down for Gary and Nina.

I cried so hard last night.

The thing that is hardest for me is trying to understand the whole when its your time thing. Gary was what 62 or so? My dad was 74 and I thought that was too young. My grandfather is 94 and doing great. So why do some of us get 20 and 30 more years more than others - that's a lot of time. That's what I struggle with.

clavery · #2 12/01/2007, 04:27 PM

I think you have to have a "no regrets, no remorse" sort of attitude and just live life to the fullest. After living through 9/11 and knowing too many who didn't, I just try to live right and live well so if it's my time tomorrow (or a loved one's time), I can look back and know we made the most of the time we were given. And make sure you tell the people you love that you love them - repeatedly. No regrets, no remorse.

But I've been blue all day today too, if it's any consolation.

Cheryl

BigSkyBart · #3 12/01/2007, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ritten
So why do some of us get 20 and 30 more years more than others - that's a lot of time. That's what I struggle with.

I don't think we'll ever know the answer to that one. My great grandmother lived till 103, & as a child I believed that if you were a good person, you lived a long time
when I was a teen, my best friend died in a car wreck in front of me, Then I thought, the good die young.
in the last month I've lost 2 aunts, one blood, one married in the family, both in their 70's, both of cancer.
one was the sweetest, kindest, caring & compassionate woman
the other was one of the most miserable humans I've ever encountered, most of the family did not speak to her in the last 30+ years

explain that!

there must be a plan that we don't understand

crp · #4 12/01/2007, 04:32 PM

Me too. I didn't see the thread until this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. For some reason, I just knew.

I can never understand why some people are taken early from us and others aren't. I'm told there is a plan and only God knows what that is. He takes people when he needs them. I guess that explains why the people we love most are taken from us and the mean and nasty ones stay around forever.

I hope when my times comes I'm remember as someone who would do anything for anyone in need, who loved my family and took care of them, who made you laugh, who always had an extra plate at the table and tried to make the world a better place.

dc · #5 12/01/2007, 04:38 PM

There are no answers to give. I live by when it's your time, it's your time. My Dad died of cancer when he was 42, Dan's died of a heart attack at 42, Nicole was 14. My stepsister also of cancer, she was 54. Seems like a crap shoot sometimes.

joeychitwood · #6 12/01/2007, 05:14 PM

A thread like this begs for spiritual reflections which I think are different than religious ones. In light of the respectful and heartfelt tone of the thread chronicling Gary and Nina's journey and love, I know that the same spirit of love and caring will be continued here, and I hope our thoughts can be allowed.

After watching hundreds of people die in the ER over the years, I've come to cringe when well-meaning people tell the grieving loved ones that "God wanted the deceased in heaven" or "they were needed more in heaven than on Earth."

People die because cars crash, bullets and knives fly, arteries get blocked and cancer cells eat away at the body. The laws of physics and nature claim us and our loved ones

And I believe that God doesn't "take" us from our loved ones, but rather "accepts" us into His care and Heavenly realm. What kind of loving God would snatch a young father from his children or a cherished husband like Gary from Nina in the prime of their love and relationship?

I've felt a sadness all day today for someone I've never met but feel like I know well. I know the pain Nina and Gary's mom are feeling today. I rest more peacefully however knowing that their faith and a loving God will make things well.

Reading the touching and caring thoughts expressed by hundreds of RC members over the past few weeks has truly warmed my heart. There are times when I feel like the whole world has gone crazy, but seeing the outpouring of care, respect and love for Nina and her family has restored a confidence that, indeed, people remain good and genuine.

Misled · #7 12/01/2007, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dc
There are no answers to give. Seems like a crap shoot sometimes.

I agree with this. My father passed at 43. I was 20 years old at the time and hadn't figured out the crap shoot we live in yet. I work in a senior citizens apartment building and death for all is inevetable. The time we go may or may not be of our own choosing. Be sure to tell those you care for how you feel. 30 years later my mother is still alive. She is 74 years old and still works harder than many young folks I know.

Life is strange. Be strong and live well!!!

kfisc · #8 12/01/2007, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by joeychitwood

People die because cars crash, bullets and knives fly, arteries get blocked and cancer cells eat away at the body. The laws of physics and nature claim us and our loved ones

And I believe that God doesn't "take" us from our loved ones, but rather "accepts" us into His care and Heavenly realm. What kind of loving God would snatch a young father from his children or a cherished husband like Gary from Nina in the prime of their love and relationship?

Beautiful thoughts, doc; I hope we can share them here. One that helps me is to consider that God (Brahman, Allah, Yahweh, etc., etc.) is just as upset about it as we are.

Sk8r · #9 12/01/2007, 06:34 PM

It's not how long you live, it's what you do, whom you touch, and how much living you pack in. Years are great, but I've known people who lived very little in a long, long span of years---people who spent all their time seeing the glass mostly empty, people who waited for this big break and waited for that big break and would be scared to death of a real chance for change if it broke like sunrise in front of them. THAT's a sad life.

Then there's Gary. Here was a man who loved deeply, built well, and took care of people who ultimately wanted to take care of him. That's not bad for a lifetime.

emilye2 · #10 12/01/2007, 08:47 PM

There is a song by Garth Brooks that says something to the effect of "it's not the numbers that matter most but that little dash in between."

Nina51 · #11 12/02/2007, 12:05 AM

is it this one, em?

I read of a woman who stood to speak
at the funeral of her husband,
she referred to the dates on the tombstone
from the beginning ...to the end

She noted that first came his date of birth
and spoke of that sate with tears
but she said what mattered most of all
was the dash between the years.

For that dash represents all the time
that he spent alive on this earth
And now only those who loved him
know what that little line is worth

For it matters not, how much we own,
the car, the house...the cash,
what matters is how we lived and loved
and how we spent our dash!

this was posted for me at the mini horse forum. i'm not sure if the words are the exact song lyrics but i can tell you, gary spent his dash well!

dr. joey, you have managed to put my thoughts into words...who let you inside my head??

kellie, i hate to see you and others so sad. be with me in spirit on tuesday as we celebrate gary's life. we like to think of it that way, a celebration of our time together rather than mourning his death. i think that's the way he would have wanted it.

hogpark7430 · #12 12/02/2007, 12:20 AM

My boys sing this one and I always tear up and get inspired.
By Big and Rich

Met a man on the street last night
Said his name was Jesus
Met a man on the street last night
Thought he was crazy till I watched him heal a blind man
Watched him heal a blind man now I see

I live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore
Then I will walk yes I will walk
With patience through that open door
I have no fears, angels follow me wherever I may go I live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore

Met a girl in a chair with wheels
But no one else would see her
Met a girl in a chair with wheels
Everyone was so afraid
To even look down on her
And she just spread her little wings and flew away yeah

I live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore
Then I will walk yes I will walk
With patience through that open door
I have no fears, angels follow me wherever I may go
I live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore

Met a kid on a bridge last night
Contemplating freedom
Met a kid on a bridge last night
And he said
I'm tired of this maddening life
And I'm ready to go meet Jesus
And I said he's a friend of mine
Met him just last night
And it's alright
Yeah it's all right
Yeah

I live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore
Then I will walk yes I will walk
With patience through that open door
I have no fears, angels follow me wherever I may go
I live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore
Live here anymore

Met a man on the street last night
Said his name was Jesus
Met a man on the street last night

2fishy · #13 12/02/2007, 12:39 AM

In reflection of what Nina has said and with deep respect of Otolith & Joey, and any other docs that I have not mentioned and the nurses, but especially the nurses of hospice, I honestly don't think that I would have the strength or the heart to do the jobs that you do! I honestly think that my heart would continue to break!

I too cried at work today when I read this. I didn't get a chance to read last night. I feel as if I lost a part of my own family!

Today I found out a daughter of a good friend of my brother's died a couple of days ago at the age of 20 of cancer. OMG! 20! But even more shocking, the most adorable, blonde 4 year old, this summer.

My great aunt died at the age of 111 years old! She was the oldest nun at the time. Sister Martha Pellow. She questioned how much longer she would be here, at her birthday! She died of "natural causes".

I hate cancer! I'm terrified of cancer!

Ritten · #14 12/02/2007, 01:12 AM

Cheryl, are you willing and/or able to share more?

Ritten · #15 12/02/2007, 01:29 AM

Nina, as always, you are right. I'm not going to cry anymore I can't carry a toon, but I'm, gonna try for you and Gary.

Nina51 · #16 12/02/2007, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by 2fishy
In reflection of what Nina has said and with deep respect of Otolith & Joey, and any other docs that I have not mentioned and the nurses, but especially the nurses of hospice, I honestly don't think that I would have the strength or the heart to do the jobs that you do! I honestly think that my heart would continue to break!

I too cried at work today when I read this. I didn't get a chance to read last night. I feel as if I lost a part of my own family!

Today I found out a daughter of a good friend of my brother's died a couple of days ago at the age of 20 of cancer. OMG! 20! But even more shocking, the most adorable, blonde 4 year old, this summer.

My great aunt died at the age of 111 years old! She was the oldest nun at the time. Sister Martha Pellow. She questioned how much longer she would be here, at her birthday! She died of "natural causes".

I hate cancer! I'm terrified of cancer!

over the past 21 months, i learned more about cancer, chemo, radiation, than i ever wanted to know. i can't even begin to tell you the thoughts i have had over all these months of the doctors and nurses. when gary was taking interferon shots 3 times/week, he grew so close to the infusion unit nurses! last year, they even sent him flowers on his birthday. they were just simply wonderful.

i have not spoken to dr. mink since gary's last appointment with him on october 30. i don't know what to say to him. "thank you" just simply isn't enough. because of his dedication, gary lived another year that i do not think we would have had were it not for dr. mink. i have been trying so hard to think of something to do for him and his staff for the holidays. i haven't come up with anything yet. maybe you doctors and nurses can give me some ideas? i want it to be something tangible, something in gary's honor, something they can look at and remember him.

the hospice nurses...well, there are no words. we dealt with 3 over the past 2 weeks who took turns coming to nana's to check on him and us. how do you thank people who devote their lives to caring for the terminally ill??? i told them more than once, i don't know how they do it every day. they are truly angels. we were instructed to call hospice and page the nurse when gary passed away. she drove almost an hour to get here to take care of things. as she pronounced him dead, she kissed him gently on the forehead. this was a man she never knew, gary had never been aware of her but still, she was so gentle with him and it broke my heart even more.

the hospice social worker was a young woman who sat with me just one time, while gary was still in the hospital. she was a complete stranger to me but she was so caring, so compassionate, it was easy to pour out my feelings to her.

the hospice minister came to nana's house a couple of days after gary came home. he was wonderful. we did not call for him, he just came. he sat by gary's bed and he prayed with us. at that time, gary was still somewhat aware of things going on around him. the minister brought his guitar into gary's room and sang hymns for him. he had a voice like an angel, so soothing. i sat in the next room and crumbled. when the minister got up to leave, gary smiled and then went back to sleep.

i want to be able to find the time to do some volunteer work for hospice. i don't know what it will be and i won't have a LOT of time to devote but i feel compelled to do something.

dc · #17 12/02/2007, 09:57 AM

That's a lovely sentiment Nina. They are remarkable people that is for sure

clavery · #18 12/02/2007, 10:10 AM

Nina, my cousins are both hospice nurses and they lost their mother (my favorite aunt) to cancer about 7 years ago. She was home for the last two weeks of her life, as well, and we all got to hug her and say goodbye to her, and she knew she was home and surrounded by her loved ones. It made all the difference in the world to all of us. So included in our prayers for you and Gary are prayers for special people like the hopsice care providers.

And, Nina, it's not bad to be sad. It makes you take stock of whats important in life and maybe motivates you to be a little nicer to those you love and maybe tell them a bit more. I know I called Colin yesterday just to tell him I loved him, and I've been hugging Shawn everytime he walks by me. Better that people are moved to be sad than not moved at all!

joeychitwood · #19 12/02/2007, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Nina51
I have not spoken to dr. mink since gary's last appointment with him on october 30. i don't know what to say to him. "thank you" just simply isn't enough. because of his dedication, gary lived another year that i do not think we would have had were it not for dr. mink. i have been trying so hard to think of something to do for him and his staff for the holidays. i haven't come up with anything yet. maybe you doctors and nurses can give me some ideas? i want it to be something tangible, something in gary's honor, something they can look at and remember him.

I can tell you that the most memorable thank you's I have ever received were when someone took the time to come and speak with me personally. Nothing carries the same emotional impact.

I recall two panicking parents rushing their four year-old who could not breath because of an allergic reaction into the ER a few years ago. I could not pass a tube into his lungs, nor could I force air through his closed vocal cords. I had to cut a hole in his neck into the air tube, and I had about two minutes to get it done or he would sustain brain damage.

All turned out well, and on the day he went home from the hospital, his parents pushed him in a wheelchair down to the ER to say goodby, whereupon he gave me a crayon-drawn thank you card and a Hershey bar. I'll remember that day until I die, and even now, I get misty just recalling the event.

The personal connection will mean more to Dr. Mink and the nurses than anything else you can do.

BrianD · #20 12/02/2007, 02:52 PM

Dangit, why am I coming up with an allergy for the first time in my life? Darn eyes keep watering...

Nina51 · #21 12/02/2007, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BrianD
Dangit, why am I coming up with an allergy for the first time in my life? Darn eyes keep watering...

paging dr. joey...paging dr. joey...dr. joey...STAT

snulma1 · #22 12/02/2007, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by joeychitwood
I can tell you that the most memorable thank you's I have ever received were when someone took the time to come and speak with me personally. Nothing carries the same emotional impact.

I recall two panicking parents rushing their four year-old who could not breath because of an allergic reaction into the ER a few years ago. I could not pass a tube into his lungs, nor could I force air through his closed vocal cords. I had to cut a hole in his neck into the air tube, and I had about two minutes to get it done or he would sustain brain damage.

All turned out well, and on the day he went home from the hospital, his parents pushed him in a wheelchair down to the ER to say goodby, whereupon he gave me a crayon-drawn thank you card and a Hershey bar. I'll remember that day until I die, and even now, I get misty just recalling the event.

The personal connection will mean more to Dr. Mink and the nurses than anything else you can do.

Im sure you've had quite a bit more experience then I have Joey, but I must agree, it is the simple and sincere thank you that leaves the greatest impact. Everyone had a different job in life, some are doctors, some are teachers, some are custodians...etc. But each is as important as the next. And all it takes to make someones day is for you to appreciate them, especially if they are having a bad day, your thank you can turn it around for them.

Nina, your strength is an inspiration to us all. I'm deeply saddened by your loss. And truly hope that when you need a shoulder to lean on, you know there are quite a few here, more then happy to help. God bless you, and Gary.

Muttling · #23 12/03/2007, 12:13 AM

I haven't posted in the other thread for a while because I just didn't know what to say and I still don't. I have feelings that I have no words to express. I am very happy to hear the words of so many others (especialy Dr. Joey's) as they have great meaning.

Love and hugs,

Mutt

Aliie · #24 12/03/2007, 07:37 AM

I have been out for a few days and now that I'm back I'm back to the pain in my chest and tears on my shirt.
Between my friend Robert dying on Thursday and then loosing Gary here I've been more than a waste of space and a puddle of tears. I went to Roberts memorial service on Saturday and have been with the family since. I come back this morning to see what I've missed and somehow I can't help but feel like I'm in a hole without a bottom.
You guys have been so much to Nina and even to me, if it weren't for you all during the rought times we all share I'm not sure things would be better for any of us. Althought I knew Robert personally it was way past due time for him to be pain free and somehow it's easier than having Gary leave us. My pain seems to run deeper for Gary's loss than Robert because of the love he leaves behind.
I'm just a bit emotionally drained from both of them leaving so close together. I wonder if they were saying to each other ...... "you go first, no you go first" I just hope they find each other one day and share a cup of coffee.

Nina51 · #25 12/03/2007, 09:20 AM

OMG aliie, that last line cracked me up!!! it's sort of like when it was bedtime here. gary would always holler "last one in's a rotten egg!!"

i must have missed something along the way, i did not know robert passed away. i am so very sorry to hear this. heaven must be a busy place right now and gary wasn't one to have the patience to stand in line so i hope God got the paperwork done quickly!

i can't help but think back on how gary chose to leave this world behind. i have played it over and over again in my mind and i am convinced that he did, indeed, want me at his side and holding his hand but he waited till i was asleep next to him before he passed.

ron and sherry were here for a bit yesterday and sherry told me that when she listened to me tell of gary's last moments, she imagined him floating above the bed and thinking "yes, this will be a good time to 'leave' her". *sigh*

again, i am so sorry for your loss.