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  #1  
Old 01/06/2008, 07:03 PM
Nina51 Nina51 is offline
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i have a question about grief

i know some of you have been through what i'm going through. i have tried for weeks now to dream about gary and it just won't happen. i have watched the dvd of him that we had done for his services. i have looked at pictures of him right before i go to bed. i've done everything i can think of and i still haven't had a single dream about him. in fact, i haven't had any dreams at all.

i'm having some guilt feelings. toward the end, i prayed to God to end his suffering. i prayed for God to have mercy. now i'm feeling guilty because it almost seems like i WANTED him to die. i knew he would never get well and i just wanted him to be at peace and now i can't get those thoughts out of my head and maybe i'm being punished for them.

anybody wanna take a shot at this?
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of all the things i've lost, i miss my gary the most.
  #2  
Old 01/06/2008, 07:09 PM
amcarrig amcarrig is offline
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Although losing a father is nothing like losing a partner, I'll try to relate. I have to say that I have only dreamed about my Dad about 3 times in the 7 years that he's been gone. Because he was so very ill before he died, I too very often wished that his suffering would end. Every single time I dreamt about him, I remember feeling a heck of a lot of anxiety. I knew that because he was alive in my dreams, I would have to start worrying about him again. I felt so very selfish after waking from these dreams. Still do.

Don't force it Nina. When he's ready to visit you in your dreams, he will.
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  #3  
Old 01/06/2008, 07:12 PM
mr pink floyd mr pink floyd is offline
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its not that you wanted him to die, its that you wanted him to be better. by passing on, gary is now exactly where he should be. why would someone feel guilt for the right thing? its not guilt, you just miss him... and that is completely understandable
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  #4  
Old 01/06/2008, 07:14 PM
Sk8r Sk8r is offline
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Nina, don't think so at all. You willed him to live. You willed it so very hard---and you both fought. But nature and a failing body wouldn't, couldn't. Right now, even knowing that his passing was inevitable, it's left a sense of shock behind, a spot so hammered by the event that you can't quite get away from it even yet. And you may not get dreams at first. Or they'll be fleeting moments when you're awake. But eventually he's apt to slip into your dreams quietly, quite naturally, and he may never 'talk' about those last days. He'll just be there, doing his usual work that he liked to do, and it will feel just---of course. Of course he's there.
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  #5  
Old 01/06/2008, 07:45 PM
dc dc is offline
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Quit trying so hard Nina, your memories must be elsewhere. I know I did dream of Nicole, but sometimes I would wake up and really believe it was all a dream. I fully expected her to be there. So some dreams aren't what they're cracked up to be. Other's were repeats of her life, good and bad.

I never had signs, and I always wondered why, then I just accepted that it wasn't meant to be. Hold that close. Praying for peace of a loved one shouldn't have guilt, but I know exactly how that feels, hopefully you will find comfort knowing that you only wanted that for him and nothing else.
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  #6  
Old 01/06/2008, 08:31 PM
catdoc catdoc is offline
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Perhaps you ARE dreaming about him, but your subconscious is still coming to grips with it before your conscious self remembers the dreams? I imagine debi's right and it's not something you can force to happen. Relax, give your subconscious mind some time to sort through it and it'll come to you.
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  #7  
Old 01/06/2008, 08:44 PM
Satori Satori is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by catdoc
Perhaps you ARE dreaming about him, but your subconscious is still coming to grips with it before your conscious self remembers the dreams? I imagine debi's right and it's not something you can force to happen. Relax, give your subconscious mind some time to sort through it and it'll come to you.
This makes sense to me.
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  #8  
Old 01/06/2008, 08:59 PM
billsreef billsreef is offline
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I don't think it's really possible to have dreams that you remember just because you want to. So don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure it's that last thing Gary would want.
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  #9  
Old 01/06/2008, 09:03 PM
Ritten Ritten is offline
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I can tell you what I was told when I asked the same question. I was told that time moves much slower after life here and that my loved one was catching up with loved ones and having parties.
  #10  
Old 01/06/2008, 09:11 PM
cwegescheide cwegescheide is offline
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Maybe Gary is trying to give you a little rest for a while. Rest Nina. You've been working like a crazy woman since I can't remember when. Maybe he's giving you a little time to relax and then you can see each other in your dreams.

Its ok Nina. If my loved one was suffering I would pray for it to end as well. Don't beat yourself up over it. I can't recall ANYBODY doing more for anyone, ever.

Sweet dreams.
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  #11  
Old 01/06/2008, 09:12 PM
The Grim Reefer The Grim Reefer is offline
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Re: i have a question about grief

Quote:
Originally posted by Nina51

i'm having some guilt feelings. toward the end, i prayed to God to end his suffering. i prayed for God to have mercy. now i'm feeling guilty because it almost seems like i WANTED him to die. i knew he would never get well and i just wanted him to be at peace and now i can't get those thoughts out of my head and maybe i'm being punished for them.

anybody wanna take a shot at this?
You know, I don't get around so well but I can do road trips. DONT MAKE ME COME FIND YOU!!!

Guilty? Are you daft woman? Your commitment to Gary was so inspirational you had HOW MANY PEOPLE FOLLOWING YOUR THREAD??? Guilty... I'm gonna give you such a smack
I've had the same weird guilt feelings before myself. You really just have to shake them off. You know that your motives were, You wanted him to be at peace. No reason to feel guilt over that.

I think the others hit it on the head, quit trying so hard. When the time is right the dreams will come.

Hang in there kid.
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  #12  
Old 01/06/2008, 09:40 PM
Agu Agu is offline
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My friend Mike wrote the bookDying, Death, and Bereavement

I haven't read the latest edition but I know it will help you get in touch with what's happening, even though you don't even know what is happening.

Hang in there Nina ............
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  #13  
Old 01/06/2008, 10:17 PM
Nina51 Nina51 is offline
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you guys always could impart words of wisdom for me in all of this and you haven't failed me this time.

yes, perhaps gary wants me to rest. Lord knows, i haven't had much of that in almost 2 years. i find myself exhausted most of the time and i think that leads to emotional melt downs. i'm the sort of person who has to throw myself into physical work until i can't put one foot in front of the other. it seems like unless i drop from sheer exhaustion, i can't drop at all.

agu, that looks like an interesting book. maybe i will order a copy. a friend sent me a book called "Hello From Heaven!". i have not yet been able to turn a single page. it sits on my entertainment center and once in a while, i will go to pick it up but then i change my mind. i'm not sure i'm ready for it yet.

i've had a few signs from gary...the sequin, the extra penny in my pay envelope, and today i found one of my little plastic bunnies way out in the middle of the yard, far far away from the flower garden where he lived all summer. gary used to tell me if i didn't put all of those away for the winter, they would crack and break from the cold. i thought i had them all collected because i did that a few weeks ago but either i missed one or it was gary's way of saying HI BABE, i'm watching you!

ok so maybe i shouldn't try so hard. i'll give it a rest. maybe if i don't concentrate so hard, gary will come to me in a dream. it is my fondest wish to see his face and maybe even hear his voice again.

kellie, i like that. no doubt in my mind that gary is the life of any party that might be going on up there.

thanks, everybody! xoxo

EDIT: oh and grim, if you find me, you will also find my manure fork.
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of all the things i've lost, i miss my gary the most.
  #14  
Old 01/06/2008, 10:21 PM
Sk8r Sk8r is offline
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Nina, us lounge-rats are here at the most surprising hours. Log on, and somebody's bound to answer.
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  #15  
Old 01/06/2008, 10:30 PM
pnosko pnosko is offline
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Nina, wanting Gary's suffering to come to an end is NOT the same as wanting him to die. I don't believe you really wanted him to die. I don't think you need to feel guilty for being relieved that he died.
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  #16  
Old 01/06/2008, 10:38 PM
Nina51 Nina51 is offline
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no pete, i sure didn't want that but seeing him suffer even though he wasn't in pain, was unbearable. we all knew he wouldn't want to linger.

don't look for me in the wee hours tonight, sk8r. i'm beat and i'm goin' to bed!

g'night all and thanks again.
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of all the things i've lost, i miss my gary the most.
  #17  
Old 01/06/2008, 10:39 PM
Random Aquarist Random Aquarist is offline
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It's okay Neeners
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  #18  
Old 01/06/2008, 11:17 PM
cwegescheide cwegescheide is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Random Aquarist


It's okay Neeners
X2
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  #19  
Old 01/06/2008, 11:49 PM
Ritten Ritten is offline
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x3
  #20  
Old 01/07/2008, 12:39 AM
Random Aquarist Random Aquarist is offline
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Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your (behind) tomorrow.
  #21  
Old 01/07/2008, 12:50 AM
Random Aquarist Random Aquarist is offline
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Here's a corgi for you, Nina

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Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your (behind) tomorrow.
  #22  
Old 01/07/2008, 05:44 AM
Nina51 Nina51 is offline
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love those pictures! gee, a corgi and an EMPTY grocery bag. who'da thunk?
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of all the things i've lost, i miss my gary the most.
  #23  
Old 01/07/2008, 10:15 AM
joeychitwood joeychitwood is offline
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No matter what we wish, we cannot either will someone to live or will them to die. The feelings we have during the process of dying are just feelings, nothing more or less. If you look at the prayers you prayed at Gary's bedside, you KNOW in your heart that your motives were pure and out of love. There are no grounds for guilt.

It may be that a vivid dream about Gary would just be too painful right now. I occasionally dream about long lost loved ones, and I invariably wake up sad, even years later.
  #24  
Old 01/07/2008, 10:53 AM
Nina51 Nina51 is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by joeychitwood
No matter what we wish, we cannot either will someone to live or will them to die. The feelings we have during the process of dying are just feelings, nothing more or less. If you look at the prayers you prayed at Gary's bedside, you KNOW in your heart that your motives were pure and out of love. There are no grounds for guilt.

It may be that a vivid dream about Gary would just be too painful right now. I occasionally dream about long lost loved ones, and I invariably wake up sad, even years later.
joey, if it was possible that willing a person to live worked, i wouldn't be asking these questions because gary would still be here.

i think part of the reason i need this dream is because of what i witnessed at the end of his life. he did not look like the same man, he was so gaunt, so thin, so pale, he looked so bad and that is the vision i cannot get out of my head, no matter how hard i try. i will be happy for just ONE dream, just one time to see him fat and sassy and smiling. i'll be patient. when it happens, i won't ask for it again. i won't object if there are more but i won't dwell on it.

it hasn't happened for a while but i used to have occasional dreams about my dad after he died. when i woke, i would be sad for a few seconds but then i would be happy to have "seen" him.
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of all the things i've lost, i miss my gary the most.
  #25  
Old 01/07/2008, 02:55 PM
Kevomac Kevomac is offline
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Nina,

You should know by now that guilt is part of the process of grieving. Let yourself feel it, but don't dwell on it. As for dreams, your probably just trying too hard, as others have said. Its like the old saying "A watched pot never boils". Don't try to force it, and it will come when the time is right.
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