Need some help guys

[Ritten]

My boy, he's 24, long story short he told me today he wants to move from Minnesota to Florida. He has a good friend there. He told me he's not happy and really sad. I had no idea. Well first I cried like a baby and begged him not to leave me. Then I told him I would support any decision he made. I guess I looking for advice on this one?

[Sk8r]

Ask him if he could tell you why he's sad...maybe he can, maybe he can't right now, but hug him, tell him you love him, and want frequent phone calls [never mind e-mail: on a kid, you need to hear the voice]--and before you say ok---do ask about this friend. Say you just want to feel you know where this friend is at, in the hippie sense, and that you're leaning toward giving him your blessing, but just want a sense of things. Say you're very sad yourself, at having him gone, and want him to plan visits...

But sometimes a family just needs more room. I know I had to go 'over the hill and far away' to get some room. Some families, some individuals, need breathing space---particularly if they're ordinarily agreeable, and don't say no often, if you see what I mean by that. Sometimes you just need the room and time to think and relax. [Stress comes from wanting to say no while you say "of course, I'd love to...]. That was my problem.

[Ritten]

I did SK8r he told me he felt like an old man. He said he is sad all the time. I know this kid in Florida, he's a sweetheart. My boy does not live with me, he's been on his own for a while now.

[BigSkyBart]

every person & every family has their own dynamics.
since the age of 17 I've not lived in the same zipcode as my mom, I finished HS in my own place
For us, the further we are apart in body, the closer we are in spirit.
2 strong willed people don't do well in close proximity.
I don't know if that applies to you & your son.
Sometimes space is required for personal growth.
be strong, be supportive & loving
best of luck to the both of you

[Ritten]

That does make sense and means a lot Bart, I haven't got over losing my dad four years ago and I really want my boy down the street, like he's always been.

[Sk8r]

Tell him then to go somewhere and do something safely silly, and laugh, for goodness sake, laugh. Good that you know this friend. If he and the kid in FL can hit the right silly quotient---power to them: go do things, go see things...sound like too many unanswerable committments, maybe broken relationships where he is. You'll get back a happier son. And for yourself, while HE'S doing that, you go do something outrageous where you are. Take up figure skating, hey? Try mountain climbing. Write your bio. Take up wildlife photography. Try needlepoint---join the Embroiderer's Guild...there is such a group. Take up building birdhouses. Do not sit mourning his departure if he goes. Get into motion so you have something to talk about in those phone calls, even if he's not that *interested* in double axles or flame stitch---have info to trade.

[Ritten]

SK8r you are are something. You must have been through a lot to be so smart. I don't think skating is my thing, but I'm gonna take your advice and find another outlet. Thank you.

[dc]

Patrick moved to Wa. 3 months after he turned 18. It was horrible, I missed him so much, hated him being so far away. We packed him up and moved him, wished him well. There's a time in their lives they have to strike out and do what they think is right. Don't hold him back, encourage him to live his life.

[Sk8r]

Good for you! If you opt for mountain climbing, be sure it's the instructor that rigs the ropes. Mine persuaded me off a 50 foot cliff in a backward rappel, but I kept thinking all the way down "Stevetiedtheropes, stevetiedtheropes..."

[dwd5813]

well, i recently moved to florida much for the same reason as your son. i was living in the town i grew up in, and just really not enjoying myself at all. i was sick of the same old thing, and felt like a fresh start was just what i needed in my life and thats when i decided i was going to come down here. my mother was, and still is, upset because she lives alone and i think having one of her sons right in town was kinda comforting to her. me leaving had nothing to do with her, it was just that i needed to go and find my way somewhere new, you know? i guess i'm trying to say that whatever your feelings are about your son moving it's very important that while you don't shy away from letting him know, you also allow him to feel perfectly free to do and go where he wants. let him know that your greatest wish is for him to find the happiness he deserves. and tell him he damn well better call you often!

[Jeffrey Porter]

well, it seems the kids never get much say, but i would say as long as he seems stable, let him go. he knows if anything is wrong he is always welcome back home.

i don't know how he feels, but being 24 myself i have an idea how he may feel. he's probably wanting a fresh start somewhere, and being he has a really good friend in fl, that gives him a base to start at. i had a not so great childhood, very few friends, and hardly anyone speaks to me even now. i just want to get away and start over somewhere else, but with all the stuff i have i can't just drop everything and run off. plus being on an island doesn't help. i still live at home, and it does cause a lot of tension. if he has a plan, and you believe he can do it, let him at least try and don't hold him back.

[Ritten]

I told him maybe change would be a good thing. I'm just so selfish, I want him to be happy, but I also want him with me.

[Ritten]

Good advice! Thank you everyone. I needed that help. It's time for me to let him be his own man.

[english83]

I wasn't happy either. Those Minneesota winters were getting to me. I had the same job for 6 years. I was still living at home. It took me 5 or 6 years to get my A.A. degree. Then one of my friends had to move to St. Louis. Well, between the phone calls and e-mails we ended up in a long distance relationship. I've now been down here for about a year and a half. It's very liberating to be away from the family. I no longer feel guilty for living the way I want to. I'm also 24. There are times I miss being with my family, but at the same time I truely believe I'm with my soul mate. I go home as often as I can and I talk to my Dad almost everyday.

Hopefully he can find what he needs to be happy.

[Ritten]

What should I say to him so he can do what he want's without worrying about me?

[english83]

Well, I still worry about the family, that will never stop. But talk to him about it. It's time to change the relationship from parent-child to friends. My Dad is my best friend. Be supportive without going over board. Try to be understanding and if you don't understand something just ask.

I did have promises to make. I had to find a college and finish my college plan. I had to get a job (like I had a choice ). And there were others.

So you could have him over for dinner and see what his plans are. You could even create a plan together, if he doesn't have one, so that there will be goals for him. But over a nice family dinner you will be able to have a nice talk and fears and concerns can be laid to rest. Let him know that you will always be supportive and will help him when he needs it.

You know better than I do on the best way to sit down with him face to face. One thing I take great comfort in is knowing that I can be home in about 8 hours if I have to. So maybe a "safety net" for him would be the cash for a last minute plane ticket if he had to get home now. I don't know how he is with money, so that may or may not be a good idea.

I hope this helps a bit. I'll try and answer any questions I can.

[dwd5813]

Refer back to Sk8r's advice on that one. Be ready with stories of your own when he calls. my favorite parts of the calls back to my dad are listening to him tell me all about the things he has been up to, and hearing the happiness in his voice. I know he misses me and loves me, but I also know that he is enjoying his own life, which makes me happy.

[dinoman]

Think of it this way, you can let him move down to Florida with his friend and then when winter really hits and its about -20 in Coon Rapids you can hop a plane and pay a "motherly visit" to him down in Florida .

Just trying to bring a little humor in...=D

[Ritten]

Aww Cody, I love you.

[Jeffrey Porter]

you could buy him a condo, but tell him it's your winter /retirement home.

[Aliie]

Mine will never leave...............even if I have to chain him to the tree. Oh please tell me your son is 40! I can't imagine letting my son leave me either. He's not a momma boy so I'm sure it will happen eventually.

[Ritten]

Originally posted by Aliie
Mine will never leave...............even if I have to chain him to the tree. Oh please tell me your son is 40! I can't imagine letting my son leave me either. He's not a momma boy so I'm sure it will happen eventually.

No Aliie (I have to look everytime to make sure I spell your name right) he's only 24, but he's such a good guy, it's hard to let those ones go.

[Aliie]

Thank you for taking the time to spell it right, I appreciate that. Yeah the good ones are hard to let go of more so than the bad ones. 24 is a bit young to move so far away without more of a plan I think. Maybe I would just be chicken to do so and he's not. Best of luck to him in his move and you to handle it with style.

[Jeffrey Porter]

if it wasn't for all my fish, animals and plants i would have left years ago.

[Aliie]

Yeah and your one of the good guys. Your mom & dad would miss you, sis not so much maybe