Need some relationship advice...

[alzika]

I've been dating this girl for over 4 and a half years. A year ago she cheated on me, yet I took her back. Her excuse: she hadn't dated anyone else and she wanted to make sure she wanted to be with me. She broke it off with the other guy before I even found out, and she came to me herself and told me what had happened.

This semester she moved away to college, 4 hours away. I knew it was the best for our future because she could get the degree she wanted there. Everything has been great. I've spend countless dollars driving there to help her out when shes been in need, and I even let her borrow $700 that I really didn't even have.

Two weeks ago I visited her and while I was there, I heard a cell phone message from some guy saying "Where were you? We were supposed to hang out today." She lied about it at first, but then she came out and said that her roommates didn't think she should be in a relationship as long as we had, and they wouldn't get off her back. She told them she would go out on a date with this guy. I don't know if this is true or not now, but I believed this at the time: she said that she never planned to go out with the guy but she was going to tell her roommates otherwise to get them off her back. I even watched her send a text message to him saying to back off because she had a boyfriend.

OK, after that, everything is fine until a week ago. She just started getting really snappy and annoyed when I called her. Finally, on Friday night, she was supposed to drive home for Thanksgiving break but she made up an excuse about working and then having to go out with a girl after work. She is a horrible liar and I caught her right then and asked why she was lying. Her excuse was that she didn't want to drive 4 hours home at 11 at night. Sounded legit.

She arrived on Saturday morning and everything seemed fine. She then went to go pick up breakfast, and oddly, once she came back, her whole demeanor had changed. She was only gone 15 minutes. When she returned, she told me that her work called and she had to go in to work at 7 PM the next day (Sunday). She works retail and obviously the store is closed on Sundays after 6.

I told her to leave and go back home Saturday night since she was lying. She did. When she got home, I was ****ed and ready to break up with her and she started crying saying that she just was trying to get my attention since I haven't been spending much time with her. Once again, I believed this. We talked that night and Sunday morning and everything was better than normal and she seemed fine. Then, yesterday, she was supposed to go out to eat with this girl from one of her classes. She told me her phone was messed up and wouldn't work and that she was going to have to go to the store to get a new cell.

After this, I tried calling her and her phone was off. 30 minutes later, I tried calling and her cell phone rang (obviously not off). It stayed this was and I did not hear from her for 5 hours when she was supposed to have called after 2. I don't know what she was doing during this time, but she was back in her crappy mood and saying she needed a break from me. It is very, very strange because everything was fine before she went out to eat with the "girl".

Her parents kicked her out of the house a year ago. Her mom is bipolar and she has it in for me, even though I've never done anything wrong. She told me that she has been going through a lot since she's in a new environment and has noone there firstly, and secondly because her parents hate her. She has also been on depression medicine but she very rarely takes it...she takes it on and off.

I know for a fact that she made an appointment to see a psychologist, but honestly, I don't know why she is going. If she was cheating on me, why would she even do this?

I'm a college student too, just some background info. I'm graduating in another semester. I was thinking about going to a university to get a Ph.D. about 6 hours away from where she is at college, but I was willing to give that up to go be with her.

The strange thing, the same day that I told her not to call me any more, about an hour later, I got a job offer doing what I would like. I don't know why my life is taking a sudden turn in the complete opposite direction...please, give me some advice.

I don't know what to do...should I wait it out in case she really is going through something? Or is she cheating?

[Anemone]

You're a victim.

Now you need to decide if you want to continue being a victim. If you do, you will be enabling her behavior (and it will never change).

As difficult as it may seem, call it off and find someone else. You're in college - this is the time when you will have the greatest choice and exposure to different girls to find the right one. If you stay with her, your choices will be much less 6, 7 or 8 years from now when you catch her cheating again and finally pull the plug.

Now will be easier, and ultimately less painful, than later.

Kevin

[Satori]

Very sorry to hear this, but honestly, not surprised. Sadly, it has been my experience that "distance relationships" don't work. I could have told the same story you just told when I left home for the Army back in '91. Most guys I was in the Army with also had the same story.

[PoukieBear]

Here's an honest reply, from a girls perspective, and I'm sure you're not going to like it.



If I were in her shoes, doing the same things that she is doing, lying, cheating, spending time with a "girl", having bad mood swings.... I'd be looking to get rid of you.

The more I can P. you off, the more upset I can get you, the more unstable you are, YOU may be the one to break it off instead of me. This way, I don't need to feel guilty about hurting you and breaking your heart.

There is obviously something that she's not telling you. In a relationship, especially for that long, there is nothing to hide from a significant other. The fact that she is hidding something from you means that whatever it is, isn't good.

[CPT. MURPHY]

I agree time to get out now and get that Phd! Do not I reapeat do not give up on getting your phd to be in this relationship.

CPT.

[Gawain1974]

Yep, as painful as it is, get out now, and don't you give up on that PhD. I'm doing mine now, and I've watched too many smart people give up to be with their beloved, to only get heart broken later down the road.

[joeychitwood]

It is much easier for an uninvolved party to see clearly what is going on, and it seems obvious to me and the other posters that you are being played. Anemone is correct. Break it off now and for good.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

[Sk8r]

Let's put it this way...a real relationship means you care about each other. You both can think of a lot of things you'd enjoy doing together, some you'd enjoy doing 'with the guys/gals'---but mostly if you had to take a 3 day trip, you'd really rather do it together; or if you did take it alone, you'd be on the cell at least once every day or so because you want to stay in touch and you want to know how things are going 'at home.'

It's that 'at home' thing. It's knowing there's an 'us' that's just as solid and sure as can be.

You'd both rather buy something for the other one instead of yourself.

You'd both feel lonesome if you didn't hear from the other. Not suspicious. Not jealous. Just lonesome.

You're quite happy spending the whole evening saying absolutely nothing much, because you don't have to, and neither of you demands to be 'entertained' by the other. It's just the company that makes you happy.

YOu've stopped having two sets of everything, because it's occured to you that one is enough, and just more economical.

Of course you have to do a lot of searching to find somebody like that...those of us who have are the luckiest people in the world...but you can go out searching at least with the template of what you're looking for in another personality. Not every individual is going to 'fit', just because they look good or smell good. Keep traveling. Don't 'chase'. Don't expect to 'reform' the other party. They'll be more of what you see, not less. People are like icebergs in the great ocean of life---7/8ths is below the surface, but down below it's just more of what you see above.

Most of all---expect to be met halfway, by somebody just as excited to find *you.*

You

[Muttling]

I concur with all of the above. I would also suggest reading "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. It gives terrific insight into why people cheat in relationships and how your responses have enabled her.

[Johnsteph10]

First, get your $700 back....then dump her.

[RandalB]

Originally posted by Johnsteph10
First, get your $700 back....then dump her.

I second that...


Get your $$ and kick her to the curb.....

[LauraCline]

I don't know if she is cheating right now but you should not stick it out with her, she isn't the one for you. After several years she shouldn't have needed to cheat on you to know she wanted to be with you. If she was really into you, she wouldn't do anything to risk the relationship. People tell you who they are, it's up to you to listen. She has lied, cheated, and said she wants a break - break up with her and don't walk but run. Trust me when I tell you that she will keep stringing you along as long as you allow it and as soon as she finds somebody she thinks is better, she will cheat or leave. You deserve to be in a give and take relationship, all you are doing is giving in the one you're in.

[catdoc]

Wonder if girlfriend is bipolar like her mom?

[batguano]

10 loungers can't be wrong kid. I'll make it 11. Make plans to take a trip somewhere warm and tropical during the Winter break ... alone. Get yourself a good rum buzz on and find Miss. Right Now. Have some fun, sew some wild oats, then come back to school ready to learn and live life for yourself.

[english83]

Ok. Here's my .02


Long distance relationships can work. I did it for about a year and we only saw each other twice that whole time.
But they only work when both people are adults. There can be no stupid drama. There has to be trust. Without it the relationship fails.

Her telling you it's your fault, or you are not spending time with her is a joke. I have a feeling she's playing you. And if she's partying, she's cheating. It does not seem like she cares what you feel, the sactrifices you have made, or the time you have put in.

You could try and talk to her, but it does not sound like she will talk to you like an adult. I think she may be go through the "wild college" phase. She's away from the confines of her old life. If she went away to school, she's away from her "moral center" and will act out. THink of it as the Spring Break Syndrome. Put a "nice girl" from the Mid-West in Daytona Beach over Sring Break and she will act any way she wants because no one knows her and she can get away with crazy behavior.

Do not give up the PhD!!
Take the job and work on the degree.
Break it off. Enjoy some time for yourself. You need some "me" time.

Sorry for the long response, but this is from one college student to another. I hope everything works out for the best.

[TheBimbo]

It's time to end this part of your young life and move onto the next part of your adult life-

Life can bite big time- it's your choice how big of a bite it's going to get ... get your PhD and take care of you for a change... Good luck and I hope it works out for you...



Christy...

[AquariaOCD]

I carried on a two year relationship with my wife bfore we got married. She was in Spain and I was in the US, so obviously LD relationships can work with the RIGHT woman. From how you describe things though, I'll be #13 for dump her and don't look back.

[Finaddictfred]

Bail Out.. Bail Out.. Bail Out !!
Don't look back and don't dwell on it. It's on her.
Good luck and great life !!

[dwd5813]

This is a girl who has recently found a sense of freedom that she has never had before. I'm sure she still cares for you, otherwise you just wouldn't hear from her again. She seems to be clinging to parts of her past, i.e. you and your relationship, because it is familiar and comfortable when the situation she is in now is foreign. I doubt she would be able to just break up with you now, because that would leave her alone in a strange place, and she would feel insecure. Your relationship has become a security blanket that she can wrap herself in while she adjusts to her new surroundings. When she finds herself established and comfortable, she won't need that anymore. It's up to you how long you want to be that crutch. My advice is not to let yourself be used. Yes, long distance relationships can work out but it takes a great commitment from both people involved. I'm sorry to say I don't see that from her end. Don't let yourself be treated unfairly. You are obviously a bright person with a great future available to you. Do not throw that away for someone who isn't participating in your relationship. Heck, don't throw that away for someone who is. A true friend and companion would want you to better yourself. I think it's time to let her go. Will it hurt? Oh yeah. It would hurt a lot more to find yourself a month, a year, or more down the road having given up your dreams and spent all your energy only to come to the same end.

[sick1166]

NEXT thats all whos next to many other people who would appreciate you better dont waste another second on her and she will cry and say she will change to late you dont need that stick with your degree and the best years and time is now. take it from a guy with experience 2 great kidsand a chating lying ex -wife and big payments. good luck but too many better girls out there

[alzika]

Wow, I called her to break it off.

She has gone COMPLETELY insane. She went and dyed her hair, got her belly pierced, said she drank last night when shes never been a drinker.

Then she told me she got into a car accident today and she thought that was FUNNY.

She is supposed to drop by tomorrow to pick up her crap.

When I asked her if she...simply put, had slept with another guy, she said no, but she wouldn't swear to it like she normally would. My god I hope she didn't give me any diseases....

[dwd5813]

get thee to a doctor. make sure you're okay. then go party like a rockstar and get with ms. right now like batpoop said, using protection of course.

[Sk8r]

"...diseases..."
Get tested. A week of anxiety til you get the lab results, in exchange for being able to go on with your life with peace of mind. Plus if you have caught something---good to get it treated. If she doesn't have a social disease, she will, at the rate you describe, and by the behavior you describe---which says to me, in large neon letters, "recreational chemicals and on a downhill slide."
Run, do not walk, in the opposite direction. Have her stuff boxed and ready to go the moment she rings and just hope she doesn't show up with some dork of a 'friend'. The sooner you can get rid of her the better.

Next go-round with a gf, remember BOTH of you are supposed to be looking out for each other, have each other's back, all that good stuff---devotedly---not act the way she has. Just because you're the chivalrous guy doesn't mean that you have to 'win' her: translation: sublimate who you are, what you need, where you're going with your life. You're at a stage when you need to make some basic navigational decisions for your life---the way you can alter course by one measly degree off Africa and manage to miss Sicily entirely

...Little decisions at the start of your life/course turn out to matter bigtime later.

And if the lady you choose isn't as willing as you are to make sacrifices in the present to get a life well on track, she's no bargain. You may have to put up with being in different schools, doing different things, but if you find that degree of comfort and anything-for-my-partner trust toward *each other,* you can work it all out.
I wish you luck.

[andrewsmart]

people change when they get a job for the first time or go to uni.

i just seems she has changed for the worse and you are suffering time to move on.

[Misled]

While I agree with most of what's been said here, I'll throw this at you.

Don't Look!!!!

When the right person shows up, you'll know it. I'm not saying don't have fun, but when you find the right person and it kicks you in the gut, you'll know it. When I have to leave town for work, the wife and me speak on the phone at least 5 to 10 times a day, even just to say I love you. And we've been together over 20 years.